Welcome to The Hill’s film guide.
This is an incomplete list of all the films I have ever seen (incomplete because I don’t remember the name of every single film I have ever seen) and my one-sentence(ish) thoughts on each. This will be a constantly evolving list as I add new films and remember what I thought of old ones. I’ve put them in roughly chronological order.
My most recent reviews are for: Finding Nemo [2003], One Hundred And One Dalmatians [1961], Galaxy Quest [1999], Fly Away Home [1996], The Muppets [2011], Romancing The Stone [1984], Iron Man Three [2013] and Super 8 [2011].
1931
Dracula – stagy direction, stilted line delivery, creaky movement, cheap rubber bats and spiders on strings and a lead who sounds like a confused old man who doesn’t understand English… not exactly scary.
1933
King Kong – Humans: Look, incredibly rare, unique species unknown anywhere else in the world… kill the hell out of them; Dinosaurs: Stop killing the hell out of us or we’ll kill the hell out of you; King Kong: I will kill the hell out of all of you and I’ll do it in the most malicious ways I possibly can; Me: When will the killing end?
The Invisible Man – no sympathetic characters but plenty of wooden performances, watchable only for mind-blowingly good special effects.
1934
The Scarlet Pimpernel – Leslie Howard rocks.
1935
The 39 Steps – a weird mix of cheap silliness, undeniable charm and insane pace, both unintentionally and intentionally funny (go see the stage show).
1936
The Petrified Forest – it’s all talk.
1937
Snow White And The Seven Dwarfs – not much plot or character to speak of but the light-hearted bits are fun, the serious bits are downright terrifying and the animation is amazing.
1938
Bringing Up Baby – back when they made good rom-coms.
Pygmalion – this is an insult to George Bernard Shaw’s masterpiece.
1939
Destry Rides Again – allegedly a spoof western, this pretty much sets the bar for all westerns that follow.
Gone With The Wind – ghastly, overlong love letter to the American South in which we have to suffer cinema’s most repulsive heroine, her unrequited love for Leslie Howard who just ain’t gonna bother with an American accent while Clark Gable goes about beating and raping her (if you want a good film about how the American Civil War affected the South, watch Shenandoah instead).
Gulliver’s Travels – it’s more like Gulliver’s Travel, singular, and seems to be designed to be as irritating as possible, through both visual and audio means.
His Girl Friday – I couldn’t make it to the end; I have just seen these characters and plots done to death and never satisfactorily.
Mr Smith Goes To Washington
The Cat And The Canary – Bob Hope is on fire, shame about the rest of the film.
The Wizard Of Oz – I can’t really say I enjoy it, but I can’t honestly say I don’t either; it’s just sort of there.
1940
Fantasia – the animation isn’t up to usual Disney standard and it adds nothing but visual tedium to brilliant pieces of music.
My Favourite Wife – fun rom-com with a pretty original plot.
Pinocchio – while Snow White didn’t have enough plot to fill a film, this has too much plot to handle so rushes through without pause for breath and has some unbelievably dark moments (Pinocchio face down in a puddle, dead, for example), but Jiminy Cricket is a brilliant put-upon sidekick.
Primrose Path – forgettable.
Road To Singapore
The Philadelphia Story – James Stewart is fantastic, as usual, but I don’t get this film; it seems to being saying ‘having high principles is hypocritical because everyone is flawed’ but it comes across more as ‘women should shut up and take adultery and abuse from their husbands’.
The Shop Around The Corner – brilliant sharp comedy, though Margaret Sullavan doesn’t bring much.
1941
Citizen Kane – I was so bored by the opening I failed to pay any attention to the rest of the film but given its fame, I will try again one day.
Dumbo – incredibly emotionally effective, shame about the abrupt END.
I Wake Up Screaming – forgettable.
Pimpernel Smith – awesome war propaganda; Leslie Howard still rocks.
Road To Zanzibar
1942
Bambi – devoid of plot and the characters have no more personality than their names, this is forty-one minutes of baby animals and then twenty-five minutes of them not being babies and there’s nothing else to it; so dull.
The First Of The Few – a film starring Leslie Howard and David Niven is going to be damn watchable but it’s incredibly depressing, particularly as this was Howard’s last on-screen performance.
1943
Phantom Of The Opera – almost no connection to the novel and very poorly structured but the rivalry between Raoul and Anatole is fun.
The Gentle Sex – another war propaganda piece, forgettable but Leslie Howard’s narration hooked me (his last work before he was killed).
1944
Arsenic And Old Lace – unbelievably energetically hilariously fun, Cary
1945
House Of Dracula – a reasonable enough excuse to have Dracula and the Wolf Man meet (although actually they don’t share any scenes) but there is no reason for Frankenstein’s Monster, and horrible that the hunchbacked nurse gets killed but the pretty blonde one lives.
1946
A Matter Of Life And Death – David Niven tries to win his life in Heaven court, but only achieves this when a top surgeon gets killed and represents him, so how come the surgeon doesn’t deserve to live?
It’s A Wonderful Life – despite being entirely made of flashbacks, this is brilliant, though the gimmick of what life would be like if George was never born is more of an afterthought and could be a lot more interesting (oh no, Mary became an old maid).
1948
Melody Time – just as soullessly boring as Fantasia but also slightly creepy.
Rope – more of a gimmick than a film, and actually, the gimmick that it’s all one long take is a bit… well… don’t actors do this kind of thing every day; it’s called theatre.
The Paleface –Bob Hope and Jane Russell work brilliantly together.
1949
I Was A Male War Bride – forgettable.
Kind Hearts And Coronets – deliciously dark comedy.
Passport To Pimlico – forgettable.
The Adventures Of Ichabod And Mr Toad – I’ve only seen the Mr Toad half (sometimes released separately as The Wind In The Willows) and oh my; the plot, the characters… Angus MacBadger, Mr Winky, what the hell is going on?
1950
Cinderella – just dull with a bizarre decision to show the story from the point of view of the supporting cast, which makes it duller.
Summer Stock - hard-working farmer engaged to Mr Nice But Dull is seduced by egotistical actor and gives up her way of life to be a flake; stupid film.
1951
The Man In The White Suit – forgettable, didn’t really get the point.
1952
Bend Of The River – as westerns go, this is an entertaining one.
Singin’ In The Rain – one of the best musicals ever.
Son Of Paleface – not as good as the first film, mainly due to the inclusion of Roy Rogers (and Hope and especially Russell have less interesting characters to work with this time).
1953
Calamity Jane – it’s a good one, Doris Day’s career highlight.
Invaders From Mars – saw this all the time as a kid, it was disturbing but so cheap it was hilarious.
Kiss Me Kate – nowhere near as good as the stage show, at all, in any way.
Peter Pan – devoid of any of the drama of Barrie
The Naked Spur – a western that rises above its setting, this is a suspenseful drama.
The War Of The Worlds – forgettable… it’s wooden.
1954
Animal Farm – forgettable… watched this at school, apparently the ending has been changed from the novel but the teacher had managed to record over that bit so I’ll never know.
On The Waterfront – could have been very dull as is mostly talk, but a great performance by Marlon Brando and a kick-ass priest make this utterly compelling.
Rear Window – funny and suspenseful in equal measure with excellent performances and an amazing set, this is somewhat of a classic (just ignore the clumsy exposition dialogue).
Seven Brides For Seven Brothers – revolting, sexist, misogynist film that promotes rape (and there are no good musical numbers either).
The Dam Busters – watchable if overlong; shame about the dog.
The Far Country – exciting if clichéd western about law and civilisation and selfishness; James Stewart is on top form.
1955
Guys And Dolls – the dialogue is witty as I’d expect from a story inspired by the works of Damon Runyon, and Marlon Brando is great, but all the musical numbers could (and should) be cut.
Lady And The Tramp – sharp and consistently funny.
The Ladykillers – a bunch of crooks kill each other… fascinating…
The Man From Laramie
1956
Carousel – the worst directed/staged film I have ever seen, I had to turn it off.
The Man Who Knew Too Much – watchable enough, thanks to James Stewart and Doris Day.
1957
Night Passage – Anthony Mann apparently left the project because he didn’t feel the script was ready; I think he was right; the story is watchable but it’s all too simple; there’s a beginning here and an end, but no middle.
The Bridge On The River Kwai – I don’t think I really got this.
The Three Faces Of Eve – creaky, stilted filmmaking, but Joanne Woodward’s portrayal of split personality is convincing.
1958
South Pacific – forgettable.
Vertigo – pretentious style, ridiculous plot, poor dialogue, shoddy structure and crassly unsubtle music.
1959
Anatomy Of A Murder – a long courtroom drama that manages to be interesting; nicely handled, particularly for a satire.
Ben-Hur – kinda boring, not brain-meltingly boring or anything, I would describe it more as ‘meh’ but FOUR HOURS of ‘meh’ is more than I can bear; everything interesting happens off screen; also, it’s distractingly homoerotic.
Journey To The Center Of The Earth
North By Northwest – Hitchcock’s most overused plot, watchable enough but gets stupid by the finale.
Operation Petticoat – Cary
Sleeping Beauty - there’s very little to the title character, but the music is awesome and there’s a prince fighting a dragon, making this the first Disney animated classic to have a dynamic finale.
Some Like It Hot – Jack Lemmon is great but I still don’t like Tony Curtis; the characters only exist on a comic level and lack any substance or depth.
1960
Carry On Constable – one of the more bearable Carry Ons.
Ocean’s Eleven – MONEY; COFFIN; MONEY; COFFIN; what ELSE was going to happen; too many characters to follow (obviously) but as dull as it was, not as irritating as the remake.
Psycho – this never really grabbed me.
The Apartment – “I said I had no family, I didn’t say I had an empty apartment.” Funny and tragic, scored with melancholy and drenched in dramatic irony and there’s a real sense of building towards the finale until I’m absolutely rapt; Jack Lemmon’s shining hour, love love love it. “That’s the way it crumbles, cookie-wise.”
The Magnificent Seven – with seven leads there won’t be enough screen time to go around and come the big shootout finale it’s obvious which of the seven are going to cop it.
The Time Machine – “Weena!” I enjoyed watching a rather dashing Rod Taylor
1961
Breakfast At Tiffany’s – soooooooooooooo boooooooooooring.
One Hundred And One Dalmatians – the pacing is poor and none of the characters get enough focus to develop so it’s a pretty lame movie even before you get on to what an appalling adaptation it is (The Hundred And One Dalmatians by Dodie Smith is an amazing novel and I have loathed this film since childhood).
The Guns Of Navarone – David Niven gives a brilliant performance, which is what keeps the film interesting since it has no pace (Miller and Franklin are definitely a romantic couple).
Two Rode Together – forgettable.
Whistle Down The Wind – turns out, he isn't Jesus.
1962
Carry On Cruising – utterly naff.
Dr No – when will Dr No learn that SPIDERS DON’T MAKE RELIABLE ASSASSINS, also, don’t leave prisoners in rooms with escape tunnels; I didn’t really follow the plot, all I know is that James Bond solves the problem by literally turning up the danger level; oh no, too much danger.
Gypsy – the story of a mother who destroys her daughter… thanks for that.
Mr Hobbs Takes A Vacation – it’s funny and there are some nice character moments, but it isn’t focused.
Summer Holiday – forgettable, mindless fluff.
That Touch Of Mink – Cary
The Man Who Shot Liberty
The Music Man – con artist falls in love and repents, puke.
1963
Dr Strangelove, Or How I Learned To Stop Worrying And Love The Bomb – I just don’t enjoy satire.
From Russia
It’s A Mad Mad Mad Mad World – forgettable.
Jason And The Argonauts – it’s not about anything, nothing happens, it’s horribly made, the acting is abysmal, the characters don’t matter and it doesn’t conclude, but other than that…
The Birds – an odd mix of understated horror and ludicrous silliness; excellent use of sound (or silence) but that ending is just too abrupt.
The Great Escape – I had a lot of trouble keeping up with the million characters, plus very depressing and yet it never felt like there were nearly as many men as there were supposed to be.
The Haunting – first I have to buy that the house was ‘born evil’ because in 90 years a couple of people have died near it, then I’m battered with dum-dum-dummm evil music and am then subjected to the tediously overused and grating voiceover of endlessly inner-monologising loon Eleanor; it’s kind of annoying.
The Pink Panther – meandering and endless, thank goodness for David Niven.
The Sword In The Stone – no plot for us thanks.
Zulu – have you studied 1870s African colonialism wars; if not, Zulu has no time for you!
1964
Carry On Cleo – some of it is just embarrassing, but the stuff with Kenneth Connor as the bodyguard is quite entertaining.
Mary Poppins – Julie Andrews is awesome.
1965
Doctor Who And The Daleks – WHAT DID THEY DO?
How To Murder Your Wife – seems to be satirising misogyny but manages this by being completely sexist.
Shenandoah – very sad but completely compelling.
The Flight Of The Phoenix
The Great Race – basically a two and a half hour long live-action cartoon; I still don’t like Tony Curtis but this has two Jack Lemmons and one of them is in a top hat and moustache, so I love it.
The Sound Of Music – the film falls into three sections, the third is about escaping the Nazis; this section is by far the best part of the film, it is also the shortest and just as they escape and begin to climb the mountain to get out of Austria, the film finishes; this is practically where it should start.
Those Magnificent Men In Their Flying Machines – funny but the ending sucks.
1966
Batman – “Some days you just can’t get rid of a bomb.” Insane, sometimes hilarious, sometimes tedious.
Daleks – Invasion Earth 2150 AD – better than the first one but still rubbish.
How To Steal A Million – a nice film, only marred by a kiss early on that undermines the subtle romance.
Lt Robin Crusoe, USN – stupid, very stupid, but the ending was funny.
The Rare Breed – a stupid film really and yet James Stewart still manages to do amazing work with his dialogue.
1967
Bedazzled – I just didn’t like the characters.
Casino Royale – insanity, makes no sense thanks to Peter Sellers quitting halfway through production but David Niven is awesome as always.
Cool Hand Luke – it’s an ALLEGORY.
Doctor Dolittle – ENDLESS; one nice pro-vegan song, otherwise quite horrible.
Planet Of The Apes – preachy satire.
The Dirty Dozen – next time don’t take a psychopath with you.
The Graduate – didn’t get it.
The Jungle Book – plot is rubbish but the songs are great.
Thoroughly Modern Millie – utterly insane but Julie Andrews continues to be awesome.
1968
2001: A Space Odyssey – If 2001 is science fiction grown up, then I want to stay a kid.
Bandolero! – forgettable other than the fact that the ‘heroes’ die at the end.
Bullitt – Robert Vaughn: here’s a guy, keep him alive for the weekend so he can testify against the mafia on Monday; Steve McQueen: Whoops, I shot him dead; Me: Yeah, another great case, Bullitt.
Carry On Up The Khyber – one of the more bearable Carry Ons.
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang – good fun.
Firecreek – forgettable.
Hannibal Brooks – one of those films I saw all the time when I was a kid, so I dislike it when two of the main characters get killed—the ending just isn’t satisfactory after that.
Oliver! – greatest musical numbers ever put on film.
Sweet Charity – DOWNBEAT ENDING ALERT.
The Odd Couple – just didn’t do it for me, I didn’t like either of them.
The Producers – just didn’t do it for me.
The Scalphunters – why does the director keep giving us the horse’s reaction shots?
Yellow Submarine – strictly for modern art lovers and maybe a few die-hard Beatles fans, if you keep your eyes shut and just listen to the music.
1969
Butch Cassidy And The Sundance Kid – wonderful character relationships even if the film is one long chase.
Once Upon A Time In The West – I bailed after the child murder.
The Italian Job – bare on plot, overrun by faces but not character and not remotely plausible, but at least it isn’t dreary.
The Love Bug – do NOT get on the wrong side of this car.
Where Eagles Dare – couldn’t pay attention after half an hour so gave up.
1970
Catch-22 – I enjoyed the extremely black humour but disliked the non-linear plot, easier to get into than the book anyway.
Kelly’s Heroes – a bit too in the face.
The Aristocats – some cats get lots of money as inheritance so the butler who loses out is miffed… kinda see his point really.
The Railway Children – not exactly plot driven.
1971
And Now For Something Completely Different – bunch of Monty Python sketches, so gonna go with hit and miss.
Bedknobs And Broomsticks – the remastered 25th Anniversary version is about seven hours long and has the worst dubbing I’ve seen this side of a spoof; possible drinking game – every time the words are out of sync with the actor’s mouth take a sip, every time their voice morphs into the wrong accent down a shot.
Dad’s Army – nowhere near as good as the series, very disappointing.
Duel – how is this a whole film?
Escape From The Planet Of The Apes – forgettable apart from the horrible ending.
Tales Of Beatrix Potter – ballet is boring.
Willy Wonka And The Chocolate Factory – teaches us that being bad and doing what you are explicitly told not to is fine, so long as you don’t get caught.
1972
Cabaret – I only made it halfway due to the wooden acting, flat characters, lack of plot, erratic editing, pointless lacklustre songs and a subtext that’s both brutally in your face and yet barely touched on.
Carry On Abroad – awful; I’m embarrassed I watched the whole thing.
Pulp – I found this very funny but the inclusion of bull fighting makes it a dud.
The Godfather – Marlon Brando did not age well.
1973
Dark Star – pretty sure this is a student film.
Paper Moon – a witty and exciting character relationship at the centre of a magnificently evocative setting, with brilliant acting, a sharp script and a beautifully arced plot; films don’t often come this close to perfection.
Robin Hood – the story of poor people making the most of life while they can because they’ll all be dead tomorrow and maybe that’s a good moral, but it’s not one I want to take home.
The Sting – a lot of fun but too reliant on the twist ending.
Westworld – AARGH, painful to watch as it’s purposely about flat, nasty characters, and why is the control room hermetically sealed anyway?
1974
All Creatures Great And Small – not exactly gripping as it’s set over a very long time period, but Anthony Hopkins is quite funny.
Blazing Saddles – didn’t make me laugh.
Herbie Rides Again – Herbie gets more to do than in the first film and there are other living objects, which makes it all a bit more fun.
The Front Page – based on the same source material as His Girl Friday, so it still didn’t work for me.
The Godfather, Part II – forgettable.
The Return Of The Pink Panther – Christopher Plummer is no David Niven.
Young Frankenstein – not funny.
1975
Jaws – the shark EATS people.
Monty Python And The Holy Grail – the best Monty Python thing by far.
The Rocky Horror Picture Show – this is either one of those satires that accidentally end up being the thing they’re trying to mock or it really is as dumb as it looks.
Tubby The Tuba – incredibly cheap animation but you try to get ‘oom pah pah’ out of your head.
1976
Bugsy Malone – might have been okay if they hadn’t dubbed the kids with adults, which is just creepy.
Futureworld – forgettable, but probably a lot less repugnant than the first one.
Murder By Death – far more annoying than any of the stories it is trying to mock.
Rocky – no idea how this spawned a franchise.
Silent Movie – nicely choreographed slapstick.
Taxi Driver – I can’t fathom it, none of the scenes go anywhere, the lead’s extremely boring and the film is so ponderous I was barely aware there was a narrative.
The Shootist – forgettable.
1977
Close Encounters Of The Third Kind – the story of a man who destroys his family’s life so he can hang out with aliens, thanks.
Herbie Goes To Monte Carlo
High Anxiety – I only found three jokes funny and the rest is AWFUL.
Jabberwocky – visually a lot of effort has gone in here and the humour is extremely sharp, but the plot… oh the plot; there isn’t one.
Star Wars – The Dam Busters in space, a bit too straightforward but it looks great.
The Incredible Hulk – one of the saddest stories I’ve ever seen, made me cry a lot and I felt sad for days afterwards.
The Rescuers – very cheap.
1978
Damien – Omen II – the story of how Damien kills a whole load of people… fascinating…
Force 10 From Navarone – incredibly tenuous as a sequel but enjoyable as a war adventure.
Grease – fun but devoid of plot or the satire that was the entire point of the stage show.
La Cage Aux Folles – enjoyable if underdeveloped, but white subtitles don’t work when the main set is also white – could someone please put in a black bar at the bottom of the screen?
Superman – he could clearly stop both missiles considering he can fly so fast he can turn back time.
The Lord Of The Rings – I gave up after 30 mins; the animation is poor and… well… it’s just poorly made all round; for example, evil wizard’s name changes between Sarroman and Arrowman; also Strider has a menacingly short skirt.
The Rutles – All You Need Is Cash – not remotely funny so gave up.
1979
Animalympics – cheap and not that interesting but I saw it a lot as a kid.
Being There – I completely missed that this was a satire…
Monty Python’s Life Of Brian – they did funny last time so this time they’re going to try to make a point.
Porridge – not so much a film as three new episodes of the TV show but it’s just as good as the old stuff.
Rocky II – better than the first film in that there’s some drama but boxing still isn’t interesting.
Star Trek: The Motion Picture – there’s an awful lot of staring at spaceships and nothing happening, after a while, the nothing happening becomes funny but later into the film, these endless shots of spaceships and alien guff is more likely to lead to weeping and self-harm than guffawing in disbelief; it’s hardly reminiscent of the series.
The Bugs Bunny/Road Runner Movie – excuse to watch Looney Tunes cartoons (pointlessly strung together to make a ‘narrative’).
The Jerk – not something I find very funny.
The Muppet Movie – PLUS: witty dialogue, genius mix of deadpan and cartoon humour, impressive puppetry, Steve Martin cameo, MINUS: dull plot, lame songs, pants ending, all the other cameos.
1980
Airplane! – a very good spoof but I’m just not a big fan of spoof humour.
Caddyshack – it wasn’t funny.
Flash Gordon – Flash – a-ah; there’s no time for sense, we must get through this plot at superhuman speeds; an insane film but a complete load of fun.
Herbie Goes Bananas – the worst of the Herbie films; Herbie takes up bull fighting in this one; this is a Herbie film in which no one calls him Herbie; a better title would have been Herbie gets in with the wrong crowd.
Hopscotch – pointless.
Raging Bull – I didn’t like it, at all; I would rather stare at the wall.
Superman II – right, let’s all walk to the North Pole, apparently it’s easy, just head north; hey, look, Superman’s giant ice fortress, open for anyone to enter, who knew?
The Blues Brothers – “Use of unnecessary violence in the apprehension of the Blues Brothers has been approved.” An insane film.
The Elephant Man – it was a mistake to give the film to David Lynch.
The Empire Strikes Back – Vadar goes around offing admirals, promoting their subordinates and when they’re not very good at their job because they haven’t been trained for it, he offs them too, by the end, probably the man who empties the bins in charge, how is this an intelligent way to run an army?
1981
Escape From New York
Gallipoli – I only remember the ending but it has stuck with me for two decades.
Raiders Of The Lost Ark – a lot of fun, Indy’s a great lead but the plot is quite repetitive—it just seems to be a game of swapsies with Marion
Stripes – lazy bums Bill Murray and Harold Ramis join the army on a whim and find out that it’s really strict… fascinating…
The Fox And The Hound – horrible.
The Great Muppet Caper – lame, apart from the brilliant Kermit and Fozzy are identical twins joke.
Time Bandits – suffers from the usual Gilliamism of ideas too big to fit into plot structure, and no one has a personality or development beyond their initial appearance so I can’t care about any of it so it’s boring.
1982
Airplane II: The Sequel – not as funny as the first one and has the usual spoof problem in that spoof humour can’t carry an entire film, but still has some good moments.
Annie – Albert Finney goes for Oliver Warbucks via Frankenstein’s monster.
Blade Runner – in the futuristic world of the eighties… oh sorry, it’s not supposed to be the eighties, it’s just so tacky I didn’t realise.
Dead Men Don’t Wear Plaid – very clever, although it’s more of a watch-once film.
ET The Extra-Terrestrial – simplistic.
Grease 2 – uh, it wasn’t completely awful.
Rocky III – Eye of the Tiger, Eye of the Tiger, Eye of the Tiger; easily the best of the Rocky films, the Rocky/Apollo plot really feels earned but whoa is it homoerotic.
Star Trek II: The Wrath Of Khan – more like the series than the first film; Kirk is amazing as usual but the plot is undercooked.
The Dark Crystal
The Thing – characterisation, suspense and script logic are lost to lots of impressive special effects and graphic horror.
Tootsie – complete lame rubbish.
Tron – dull.
Victor/Victoria – there’s a serious problem when I want the female lead to turn out to be a man, just to prove the male lead wrong.
1983
Educating Rita – forgettable.
Monty Python’s The Meaning Of Life – last time they replaced being funny with making a point, this time they’re going to replace being funny with being gross.
Return Of The Jedi – probably the most fun.
Superman III – silly.
The Evil Dead – possibly a form of torture having to sit through it.
The Man With Two Brains – hit and miss.
To Be Or Not To Be – the stage sequences are a lot of fun, the historical setting is poignantly unsettling, the plot is often extremely tense while the bedroom farce is a hoot.
Trading Places – didn’t do it for me.
WarGames – a slow start, a simple ending but the middle is good (Matthew Broderick was in his twenties when he made this but he looks about nine).
1984
2010 – really boring but at least this one goes for plot, pace, characters and tension, unlike the first film.
A Nightmare On Elm Street
Birdy – worth it for the ending.
Dune – truly disgusting, turned it off.
Ghost Busters – I don’t love it as much as I used to but it’s still very funny.
Gremlins – creepy, exciting and extreme fun, this is the ultimate black comedy Christmas film (with a brilliant puppetry and musical score).
Romancing The Stone – absolutely ghastly and dull as hell, it’s just an endlessly repetitive plot, poorly edited with completely flat characters, plus one utterly gross love scene.
Splash – one of those films I saw a lot as a kid, but I’ve no interest in seeing it again.
Starman – damn aliens coming to our planet and impregnating our women (having first emotionally manipulated them), a tediously predictable tepid science fiction love story with about as much brain as a dead ant.
Star Trek III: The Search For Spock – II, III and IV are their own little trilogy, so as the middle of the arc, I quite like it.
The Muppets Take Manhattan
The NeverEnding Story – an intriguing premise but it’s nowhere near as good as the book and it’s so dark in places that it screwed me up when I was a kid.
The Terminator – Sarah and Reese run away from the Terminator but are seen before they get away and Reese gets mortally injured but then gets up and runs seconds later anyway… repeat ad infinitum.
This Is Spinal Tap – an okay spoof, but not great.
Top Secret! – very lowbrow spoof, as usual gets boring by the end.
1985
A Room With A View – forgettable, I watched this on a coach and was the only person who stayed awake (other than the driver) and at the end realised sleep would have been more entertaining.
Back To The Future – perfect; the funniest and most exciting film I’ve ever seen, the script shines, nothing is wasted, Michael J Fox is comic genius, the acting, the sets, the words, the music, the humour are all brilliant… there is nothing at fault in this film.
Clue – just how funny do you find dog poo?
Red Sonja – forgettable.
Return To Oz – I really like the book Ozma Of Oz, so the liberties taken here and pointless mashing in of The Marvellous Land
Rocky IV – This film can be summed up simply, like this: ‘Paulie has a robot bride’ (it’s also just one long montage) (and the plot is redundant).
Santa Claus – nonsensical rubbish but if you’re stuffed on Christmas dinner and surrounded by wrapping paper, you’re hardly going to be at your most discerning, so who really cares?
Silverado – not fascinating.
Teen Wolf – utter garbage.
The Black Cauldron – doesn’t look like Disney and that thing is really annoying, why does it have to come back to life after they finally get rid of it?
The Breakfast Club – great when I was a teenager, insultingly clichéd now I’m not.
The Goonies – it’s not as good as you remember.
The Purple Rose Of Cairo
Witness – forgettable.
Young Sherlock Holmes – the film asks ‘what would have happened if Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson had met as schoolboys’, I can take an educated guess that it wouldn’t have been anything like this pointless tripe; this film wins the WORST NARRATION EVER award.
1986
Aliens – I may have spent the entire film with my fingers in my ears, not looking at the screen.
Basil The Great Mouse Detective – Basil rocks.
Big Trouble In Little China
Crocodile Dundee – sexist.
Ferris Bueller’s Day Off – remember kids, skiving is cool.
Flight Of The Navigator – love the premise but the film never quite lives up to it.
Highlander – there is one awesome scene in this, the WWII ‘it’s a kind of magic’ bit, shame about the rest of the film.
Labyrinth – the complexity of character is genius, the puppetry is amazing and who doesn’t love David Bowie’s crotch?
Little Shop Of Horrors – a hell of a lot of fun and I like a happy ending THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
Manhunter – I already watched Red Dragon, which is the same except less 80s, so got bored and turned this off.
Peggy Sue Got Married – majorly disappointing (if you want a good ‘time travel to the 50s’ film, then watch Back To The Future).
Short Circuit – terrible film, cute robot.
Something Wild – very 80s.
Stand By Me – excellent depiction of childhood.
Star Trek IV: The Voyage Home – the modern day setting, the eco message, the cuddliness of it all and the constant laughs lack the grandeur of the previous films, but it’s so fun that can hardly be a problem.
Three Amigos! – suffering as all spoofs do with being unable to carry a whole film, this is still extremely funny in places.
Top Gun – possible drinking games: 1. Take a sip for every homoerotic inference (dangerous as you’d be under the table within five minutes); 2. Take a sip for every time the characters say the title of the film; some even wear hats with Top Gun plastered across; Top Gun; Top Gun; Top Gun; we get it already; 3. Spot Nathan from Heroes; there he goes!
Transformers - The Movie – my brain melted.
Withnail & I – didn’t really do it for me.
1987
batteries not included – I saw this as a kid; want to see it again.
Bigfoot And The Hendersons – I saw this as a kid, sure it couldn’t have been bad…
Broadcast News – forgettable, although I think Albert Brooks was okay.
Dirty Dancing – a film that is its title and nothing more.
Dragnet – pretty sure I’ve made my opinions on spoofs clear by now, however this was the first film I saw Tom Hanks in.
Evil Dead II – well, it’s better than the first one.
Innerspace – fun as a watch-once movie.
Light Of Day – forgettable while I was actually watching it.
Masters Of The Universe – look, it’s Tom Paris!
Overboard – a film I saw a gazillion times as a kid, shame the plot is actually incredibly nasty.
Planes, Trains and Automobiles – not funny, painfully 80s and tediously repetitive.
Raising Arizona
Roxanne – Steve Martin’s good but it’s just not that nice.
Spaceballs - I actually used to get it confused with Star Wars when I was a kid and that’s when you should watch it, never watch it as a grown up.
The Lost Boys – it’s just so 80s…
The Princess Bride – good but the book is better.
The Secret Of My Success – so 80s it makes me puke.
The Untouchables – if you like cheese, then tuck in, because this is one of the cheesiest films I’ve seen.
Three Men And A Baby – the drug subplot is stupid and Ted Danson doesn’t need to be in it.
1988
A Fish Called Wanda – Jamie Lee Curtis and John Cleese don’t work, Michael Palin and Kevin Kline do.
Akira – still mentally scarred from seeing this as a kid.
Beetle Juice – good but unfocused.
Big – no plot beyond its premise and several creepy themes.
Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure – irritating.
Checking Out – repulsive.
Die Hard – I’m not an action fan.
Dirty Rotten Scoundrels – a lot of fun.
Earth Girls Are Easy – one of the worst films I’ve ever seen; there’s no character or plot development in the entire 100 minutes and the whole thing is stomach-wrenchingly eighties—and if that doesn’t make you vomit, then the sporadic ‘songs’ will.
Hairspray – pretty awful most of the time, but I liked Corny and Penny.
Mac And Me – watch that alien try to kill that disabled kid.
Midnight Run – Charles Grodin and Robert De Niro are both excellent.
My Stepmother Is An Alien – dire, poor, ghastly, confusing, limp, unexplained, baffling, unconvincing and contradictory; the highlight is the few seconds Seth Green is in it, apparently about 13, but so small you could fit him in a shoebox.
Oliver & Company – wanted to see this for my entire childhood and when I finally did it was AWFUL.
Rain Man – forgettable and I didn’t really get it.
Scrooged – very dark, very witty.
Short Circuit 2 – I can’t believe I’ve seen this.
The Accidental Tourist – forgettable and dull.
The Adventures Of Baron Munchausen – visually amazing, but hollow.
The Land Before Time – for toddlers only (I’ve also seen one of the eight million sequels but no idea which).
The Naked Gun – a good spoof but like all spoofs, there’s nothing else to it.
Twins – it’s funny and Arnold
Who Framed Roger Rabbit – “This is the last time I work with someone with a speech impediment.” Sheer unbridled genius.
Willow – forgettable; the costumes and puppetry are amazing (or amazingly horrible) but the plot is thin, the characters underdeveloped, the bad guys baffling, it’s all buried in clichéd fantasy drivel, nothing and no one is explained, terrible names fly all over the place and all the evil Queen and big finale stuff is just embarrassing.
Without A Clue – Ben Kingsley and Michael Caine are brilliant.
Working Girl – forgettable, apart from the horrendous 80s hair.
1989
All Dogs Go To Heaven – feeble plot, terrible music and bad animation.
Back To The Future Part II – genius.
Casualties Of War – gruelling.
Danny, The Champion Of The World – forgettable.
Felix The Cat: The Movie – the worst 13 minutes of my life, thankfully I turned it off after that or I may have suffered permanent brain damage.
Ghostbusters II – “I don’t blame them. Because one time, I turned into a dog and they helped me. Thank you.” Absolutely brilliant opening and a lot of fun but it rushes too quickly to the end.
Glory – the makers seem more interested in making their point about ‘America
Heathers – pretty good is you don’t mind a lot of murder in your film.
Honey, I Shrunk The Kids – gets a bit tedious after a while.
K-9 – forgettable, but it’s the one where the dog doesn’t die.
Look Who’s Talking – Baby Mikey wants James to be his dad; James wants to be Mikey’s dad, an hour and a half later, big surprise, this is what happens (hate these films).
Parenthood – good, just a shame that the ensemble nature detracts from the individual stories, Steve Martin is brilliant.
See No Evil, Hear No Evil – oh dear.
Star Trek V: The Final Frontier – Kirk is awesome.
The ’Burbs – this is like the dessert that leaves you unfulfilled because you didn’t have any dinner but it still tastes good.
The Dream Team – pretty good actually.
The Little Mermaid – a magical and beautiful score, impressive visuals, rounded characters, a dramatic, funny and tragic script, wonderful sidekick in pompous Sebastian, this is much better than the original fairy tale (also, Prince Eric is Spider-man!).
The Witches – not great, too gross for a kids’ film and why do we see the kid naked at the end?
Tremors – funny, scary and enjoyable, it just gets it right.
Turner & Hooch – the one where the dog dies.
Uncle Buck – completely flat film, in which nothing happens.
When Harry Met Sally… – Harry’s a pig who treats women like dirt; Sally’s irritatingly pious; Harry says, right at the start, men and women can’t be friends because sex gets in the way, Sally disputes this; ninety minutes later, turns out she’s wrong; how’s that an interesting story?
1990
Arachnophobia – this is a hoot of a monster movie although it will make your average house spider terrifying for the next six months; it also teaches us the important lesson: Never set fire to a basement you are locked in.
Back To The Future Part III – the weakest of the trilogy due to focusing on Doc rather than Marty, going with wise 80s Doc rather than silly 50s Doc and the wild west not being a fascinating time period, but still way better than most other films.
Captain America – Captain America steals people’s cars by pretending to be sick, gets the love of his life killed and then dates her daughter and Red Skull doesn’t have a red skull and cuts off his own hand for no logical reason.
Darkman – sort of like The Punisher meets The Shadow (probably), this is awful and yet Face/Off and Mission: Impossible rip it off.
Days Of Thunder – utter poo.
Dick Tracy – this just did not grab my attention, which surprises me so maybe I’ll watch it again one day.
Duck Tales: The Movie – Treasure Of The Lost Lamp – forgettable.
Edward Scissorhands – I just didn’t like it.
Ghost – the ghost stuff is all really cool but the romance is gaggingly awful; also, the two men who led to Sam’s death go to Hell, even though one of them didn’t kill him or want him to be killed, and yet Sam goes to Heaven despite hunting down and killing them; bit of a mixed message there.
GoodFellas – what a bunch of dicks.
Gremlins 2: The New Batch – daffier than the first film but very fun from start to finish.
Home Alone – watchable but the slapstick comes out of nowhere, the first two thirds have no slapstick at all and this imbalance unsettled me.
Kindergarten Cop – it’s all right for what it is.
Look Who’s Talking Too – the parents scream abuse at each other until toddler Mikey is so disturbed that he rips the head off of a toy penguin; this disturbed nature goes completely unnoticed by the adults and is never resolved; happy sequel (hate these films).
Miller’s Crossing – not my kinda film.
Misery – good thriller.
My Blue Heaven – I can’t believe how bad this is, very disappointing.
Nuns On The Run – I used to watch it when I was a kid…
Quick Change – brilliant, smart comedy.
Spaced Invaders – forgettable.
Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles – awful.
The Flash – he’s not funny, so how is he the Flash?
The Godfather Part III – I’m sick of all this ‘he’s doomed, DOOMED’ stuff.
The Grifters – nasty.
The Rescuers Down Under – a bit better than the first one I guess.
Three Men And A Little Lady – racist.
Truly Madly Deeply – very dull.
1991
Beauty And The Beast – forgettable and I don’t care about any of the characters.
Bill & Ted’s Bogus Journey – much more fun than the first film.
Curly Sue – seems to be heavily influenced by Paper Moon, very mawkish, but okay for lazy rainy afternoon fare.
Doc Hollywood
Drop Dead Fred – loved it when I was a kid, but even then I didn’t like the metaphorical ending.
Father Of The Bride – why is everyone so mean to George?
Hook – witty, with detailed sets, clever characterisations and smart references, this is an exhilarating adventure film, ruined by every scene that includes the Lost Boys, which drags it down into bog-standard children’s film.
Hot Shots! – yet again, I’m not a big fan of spoof humour, but it does have Cary
King Ralph – ugh, really?
Little Man Tate – heavy but still compelling.
My Girl – bees?
Robin Hood: Prince Of Thieves – naff, so much more naff than I remembered; also, this year’s Worst Father Award goes to Robin and Will’s dad; you gave up your younger son to appease your older son; no wonder Christian Slater is miffed.
Rocketeer – a tedious ‘superhero’ film devoid of superheroics, with heroes so boring they could send you into a coma, pottering around with ghastly small town values to saccharin small town music and how many people are hiding in those bushes?
Star Trek VI: The Undiscovered Country – flawed but entertaining, shame all the baddies stand out like neon.
Suburban Commando – it’s a film starring Hulk Hogan, what were you expecting?
Terminator 2: Judgement Day – quite a watchable film, and even better, I’ll wager, if you’re not watching the director’s cut version, which seems to be a systematic explanation of why editors exist; not sure why the police machinegun a hostage to death without warning but give a known cop-killer loads of warning before they start to shoot though.
The Addams Family – worth every bizarre second for the amazing, frenetic performance of Raul Julia as Gomez Addams.
The Hard Way
Thelma & Louise – it’s all very slow and depressing for far too long then towards the end of the film it all goes rather over the top and is a lot more fun, but as amusing and exciting as this road trip part of the film is, it doesn’t fit in with the very ponderous first half.
The Naked Gun 2½: The Smell Of Fear – funny as far as surreal, spoof humour can be, with the strongest plot of the trilogy.
The Silence Of The Lambs – a workable hunt-the-villain thriller, but the characters range from underdeveloped (Clarice) to silly (Lecter).
True Identity – probably rubbish but I saw it as a kid and long to see it again.
What About Bob? – I sided with the wrong one.
1992
Aladdin – Aladdin’s moralising and Jasmine’s whining nearly kill the film; the flying carpet steals the film.
Beethoven – okay for kids.
Bram Stoker’s Dracula – terrible, don’t make Dracula sympathetic.
Buffy The Vampire Slayer – oh boy is this bad.
Carry On Columbus
Death Becomes Her – frustratingly not that good when it should be brilliant, but excellent performances all round.
FernGully: The Last Rainforest – one of those especially awful, cheap, clichéd cartoons that steals a little of your soul.
Forever Young – forgettable.
Home Alone 2: Lost In New York
Honeymoon In Vegas –no classic and even looks a bit ‘TV movie’ despite the dazzling locations, but it is very funny and quite exciting at times and if you like Elvis music, you’ll love the soundtrack.
Mad Dog And Glory – grotty.
My Cousin Vinny – very funny.
Out On A Limb – oh dear.
Sister Act – simple but fun enough.
Strictly Ballroom – on one hand a droning, clichéd plot and crude direction, on the other sharp, satirical humour and well-defined characters.
The Muppet Christmas Carol – if you must watch A Christmas Carol then this is a good version.
The Player – satire bothers me.
Tom And Jerry: The Movie – well I saw it when I was a kid so it was all right, seem to recall it was the same plot as the Rescuers.
1993
Ace Ventura
Addams Family Values – Gomez still rocks but he has less to do in this one.
Army Of Darkness (Evil Dead 3) – forgettable.
Batman: Mask Of The Phantasm – the pace is so slow it’s been declared dead.
Beethoven’s 2nd – fun for kids, just don’t watch it again as an adult.
Coneheads – not good, but not completely awful.
Dave – witty but too much saccharine.
Demolition Man – forgettable.
For Love Or Money – all right.
Free Willy – they do.
Groundhog Day – good, shame about Andie McDowell and the romance side altogether, which really undermines the whole plot.
Heart And Souls – great fun and happy/sad too.
Hocus Pocus – no matter how hard I try, this just isn’t Eerie, Indiana
Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey – the ending gets me every time.
Hot Shots! Part Deux – I don’t particularly like spoofs anyway but this is a bad one.
Last Action Hero – cool premise.
Life With Mikey (Give Me A Break) – funny, despite being about kid actors.
Mrs Doubtfire – don’t watch this when your parents are going through a divorce.
Much Ado
National Lampoon’s Loaded Weapon 1 – another spoof, okay I guess.
Robin Hood: Men In Tights – unbearably awful, except for an AWESOME Cary
RoboCop 3 – terrible, cheap, lazy, stupid, so sometimes hilarious.
Schindler’s List – heavy-handed attempt at history, this shows events rather than people, horrific yes, but not involving, more a museum than a story, it should focus more on individuals and less on set pieces.
Sister Act 2: Back In The Habit – WHAT DID THEY DO?
Sleepless In Seattle
So I Married An Axe Murderer – watchable.
Sommersby – well there’s nothing to enjoy.
Splitting Heirs – probably awful, but I found it funny when I was young.
The Fugitive – decent thriller, best not watch it too often so the obvious ending stays fresh.
The Nightmare Before Christmas – the moral is that you can’t change and are wrong to try.
The Night We Never Met – none of the characters are likeable, so I don’t care how their love lives turn out.
The Secret Garden – strangely cold; Mary finds a locked garden that is constantly filled with angelic choir music as the film desperately tries to hammer home how awesome flowers are but since I don’t find flowers very awesome, the film certainly lacks something quite major, like a plot.
What’s Eating Gilbert Grape – the most boring film ever made; I thought it would kill me with tedium; I am so glad it’s over.
Where The Rivers Flow North – forgettable, other than a feeling like being dunked in the freezing, churning, never ceasing river for a hundred minutes.
1994
Airheads – I thought it was funny when I was a teenager.
An Awfully Big Adventure – incredibly depressing and/or creepy.
Andre – this was huge when it came out, which is when I last saw it, wonder why no one mentions it any more?
Baby’s Day Out – Home Alone if instead of a kid outwitting people you just had a completely unaware baby (so a stupid idea).
Black Beauty – don’t let horses make films.
Chung King Express – two stories and I’ve only seen one, but it was quite good.
Dumb And Dumber – I know they’re supposed to be stupid and I know they’re supposed to be irritating, but at no point did I find that funny.
Ed Wood – brilliant, a wonderfully optimistic film.
Far From Home: The Adventures Of Yellow Dog – I had to watch this at school because everyone else watched Andre and I’d already seen Andre at the cinema, so I was forced to see this instead and I was outraged, but actually this was probably better.
Forrest Gump – it was all right.
Four Weddings And A Funeral – ultimately disappointing as I can’t find anything to like about Carrie.
Greedy – most of the characters are funny, but the structure is a mess and the plot mostly idiotic.
Little Women – that woman looks nothing like a grown up Kirsten Dunst.
Loch Ness – tacky, plus terrible Scottish accent alert.
Mary Shelley’s Frankenstein – to create life, take one corpse, buckets of umbilical fluid and some electric eels… this is a stupid film with waaaaaaay too much gore and the ending makes no sense.
Muriel’s Wedding – incredibly depressing and yet not much happens plot-wise, it ends with Muriel and her friend escaping their hometown, a situation they had already reached an hour ago.
Naked Gun 33 1/3: The Final Insult – another spoof, this one lacks a middle.
Shallow Grave – the world’s three most dislikeable people fight over money, who cares.
Speed – what do you mean Jeff Daniels dies?
Stargate – it’s all right.
Star Trek: Generations – WHAT DID THEY DO?
The Adventures Of Priscilla, Queen Of The Desert – “I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again. No more f***ing ABBA.” It’s a great film.
The Chase – oh dear Lord.
The Flintstones – the film isn’t so good, but the performances are excellent.
The Hudsucker Proxy – wonderful escapism.
The Jungle Book – if the Jungle Book was Tarzan and The Mummy… and stupid.
The Lion King – po-faced spiel about responsibility, a death no child will ever get over and then finally the funny meerkat and then back to the responsibility lecture.
The Mask – did I mention I don’t like Jim Carrey?
The Pagemaster – have they even read a book?
The Return Of Jafar – “You’ll be surprised what you can live through.” Mediocre, though still better than a lot of Disney sequels, but best left in childhood memory.
The Road To Wellville – creepy.
The Shadow – decent enough tongue-in-cheek superhero flick.
The Shawshank Redemption – it’s okay but the good and bad is too black and white, the narration overpowering and the ending rambles on far too long.
True Lies – probably the most fun I’ve had watching an action film.
1995
Ace Ventura
Apollo 13 – the fact that even after an explosion that sees oxygen levels plummeting, the characters still chat about whether they’ll be getting to the moon somewhat detracts from the whole life or death drama; and while the claustrophobic scenes of the astronauts can be nerve-racking, we always cut immediately to the safety of Houston, killing the suspense.
Babe – utterly untaxing, but pleasant.
Batman Forever – Batman is a jerk.
Copycat – dislike that her friend gets killed.
Desperado – detested this.
Die Hard With A Vengeance – a fun action film; hoorah!
Dracula: Dead And Loving It – an okay spoof.
Dr Jekyll And Ms Hyde – of course it’s awful.
Father Of The Bride Part 2 – the moral of the film is that we must never ever change or grow; no one faces any trials (or plot) of any (relevant) kind and yet, despite it all, this is better than the first one.
French Kiss – Kevin Kline and Meg Ryan are fun, but enough of the scenery worship.
From Dusk Till Dawn – turns out I’m not a teenager any more.
Get Shorty – slick and funny but none of the plot strands go anywhere at all (can we say NOVEL ADAPTATION?) which is intensely irritating.
GoldenEye – unbelievable, unendurable and stodgy; Alec, just SHOOT James already.
Heat – such a massive cliché, this shows us a cop and a villain and suggests they are similar, yeah, groundbreaking; what this comes down to is a bunch of ugly violent people mumbling incomprehensibly for almost three hours; have a nap instead, it’d be more interesting, and more original.
Jumanji – a fun time.
Nick Of Time – thrilling enough on a first watch, but not particularly well made and more tedious and embarrassing on each repeat viewing.
Nine Months – Hugh Grant seems to always be paired with repulsive women I don’t want him to end up with in these things.
Nixon – forgettable.
Pocahontas – preachy.
Sabrina – I certainly don’t want her to end up with Harrison Ford.
Sense And Sensibility – it takes the book and makes it interesting.
Se7en – didn’t do it for me (and that doesn’t look like a v).
The American President – a relationship I don’t care about, politics I don’t understand, no, this is not the film for me.
The Brady Bunch Movie – neither spoof nor homage, this falls flat between the two.
The Usual Suspects – would probably be better if it had just been the story with the twist, rather than the flashback, then it would have been subtle and more convincing, as it is, at times I found it tediously obvious and sniggeringly silly.
The Wind In The Willows – awful; badly made and very, very boring.
Tommy Boy – why did I watch this?
Toy Story – “You Are A TOY” Emotional, magical, thrilling, funny… perfect, a classic both for children and adults; it’s always inspiring and refreshing to have a lead who is intelligent and heroic but also underhand and snide; I was about 11 when Toy Story came out and I loved it; I love it even more now.
Trainspotting – stylish and witty it might be, but pretension, vapidity and gratuitousness let it down.
Tremors II: Aftershocks – funny, but why are the Graboids falling for the same trick repeatedly, when in the first film the whole terror was that once you kill one, they learn and you have to come up with something new, and unfortunately the new threat is lame.
Twelve Monkeys – that twist sure is frustrating.
Waterworld – dull.
While You Were Sleeping – self-indulgently sentimental, but sometimes that’s exactly what you need.
1996
Aladdin And The King Of Thieves – ties up the trilogy and TV series but I didn’t see it until I was grown up so it meant nothing to me.
A Midsummer Night’s Dream – one of those stage shows they record on film and probably lose what worked about it live; this does nothing with the material.
A Very Brady Sequel – who really cares, should have been wittier.
Dear God – lightweight Christmas fluff, this is corny and pointless but Greg Kinnear convinces as a con artist and he is entertaining.
Down Periscope – bit naff, but watchable.
Fly Away Home – very slow but once the adorable baby geese turn up, it’s all worth it.
Happy Gilmore – forgettable.
Homeward Bound II: Lost In San Francisco
Independence Day – cheesy, very clichéd and soppy with the word ‘American’ being said far too often and devoid of female role models, somehow it’s watchable, even enjoyable, maybe it’s because of the utter ‘them versus us’ mentality or skilful casting of likeable actors; dumb yet fun.
Jack – sad.
James And The Giant Peach – lame.
Jane Eyre – who casts William ‘boring’ Hurt as Mr Rochester?
Jerry Maguire – strangely watchable.
Larger Than Life – probably naff, but I enjoyed it when I was a teen.
Lost Highway – wha?
Mars Attacks! – yet another spoof.
Matilda – good but doesn’t quite capture the magic of the book.
Michael – forgettable.
Multiplicity – kinda fun.
Muppet Treasure Island – fun but sailing quite far from the source material.
Primal Fear – Edward Norton is brilliant, shame about the rest.
Scream – I don’t like violent films even if they’re satirical.
Sgt Bilko – sided with the antagonist again (because he’s completely in the right).
Sleepers – I like the start anyway.
Star Trek: First Contact – if it ain’t Kirk, I don’t care.
Surviving Picasso – this film taught me that Picasso was a right git.
That Thing You Do! – kind of enjoyable, but never really goes anywhere.
The Adventures Of Pinocchio – watchable but not great.
The Birdcage – “It’s still me, except with one tiny difference… Well, not tiny.” There’s a worrying lack of set-up and therefore depth to the character relationships (mainly in the way Val acts towards Albert) but when it’s funny, it’s hilarious.
The Cable Guy – excellent performances from Carrey and Broderick as the film becomes tense and thrilling, while still managing to be funny (just a shame the ending is a little flat).
The English Patient – didn’t get it.
The Frighteners – funny and very atmospheric but flawed, there’s lots of set up and there’s a huge finale but there’s nothing in between.
The Hunchback Of Notre Dame – horrifying.
The Nutty Professor – forgettable.
The Phantom – the Phantom’s superpower seems to be boring the audience to death, the plot is pointlessly dull and nothing that happens makes any sense.
The Rock – what once I enjoyed as cheesy fun I now see only as irritating cliché, it is entertaining if there’s nothing better to do but there’s always something better to do.
The Wind In The Willows – Steve Coogan and Eric Idle are good (the others aren’t), it’s a lot of fun, the make-up is excellent and the actors appear to be having a whale of a time; but the dog food plot is just stupid and the ending is the big let down.
Twister – one of the stupidest films ever made.
1997
Air Bud – okay Sunday afternoon kid’s film.
Air Force One – exactly what you’d expect.
A Life Less Ordinary – I despised this.
Anastasia – enjoyable.
As Good As It Gets – possibly a brilliant quirky romantic comedy, but I’ve seen this so often that I now find Melvin grating to watch, Carol boring and abrasive and Simon… actually, he’s still intensely watchable.
Austin Powers: International Man Of Mystery – forgettable, I never really got the Austin Powers craze.
Batman And Robin – forgettable.
Bean – okay.
Boogie Nights – too many characters.
Breast Men – another depressing biopic.
Con Air – “I’m gonna show you God does exist.” Hilarious, from the absurdly cheesy dialogue, to the endless stream of impossible explosions, to the patriotic strains of an electric guitar underscoring all the most embarrassing moments, this is a hysterical example of ‘Dumb OTT American Action Flick From The 90s’. “Don’t. Treat. Women. Like. That!”
Contact – forgettable.
Face/Off – the dumbest film ever made.
FairyTale: A True Story – not fascinating.
Fierce Creatures – fun, except for a boring Jamie Lee Curtis.
Flubber – this didn’t really do it for me, even when I was a kid.
Gattaca – a good premise, wasted; nothing happens, nothing is gained, nothing changes, by the end, Vincent has made no one’s life better and hasn’t learnt anything, also, what happens to Jude Law is horrifying.
George Of The Jungle – forgettable pants.
Godzilla – I like it.
Good Will Hunting – forgettable.
Grosse Pointe Blank – hit men get on my nerves.
Hercules – pretty rubbish, this was the last Disney film I saw at the cinema, being the third dud in a row.
I Know What You Did Last Summer – stupid slasher.
In & Out – this used to be one of my favourite films but now I find its portrayal of homosexuality is skin deep and frankly a bit offensive; but the ‘Exploring Your Masculinity’ tape and the Oscar-winning film ‘To Serve and Protect’ are still funny.
Jungle 2 Jungle – kind of okay once, then very naff.
LA Confidential – while the dialogue is entertaining, the ham-fisted plot is full of clichés, the story holds no surprises, the characters are one dimensional, their arcs appear to have been written with a sledgehammer and the ending is an irritating cop-out.
Lawn Dogs – weird and po-faced.
Liar Liar – who else wants to punch Jim Carrey?
Martha – Meet Frank, Daniel And Laurence – predictable, stupid and DULL; and the moral is you should dump your lifelong friends for a woman you just met; the only fun I could have with this film was imagining how I would re-cut it as a horror film (I do fancy Tom Hollander though).
Men In Black – fun but there’s no depth to it.
Mousehunt – brilliant slapstick piece; Nathan Lane
My Best Friend’s Wedding – forgettable.
Scream 2 – why did they kill off Randy?
Sliding Doors – got on my wrong side, somehow.
Space Jam – Looney Tunes are great, sport is boring, whose stupid idea was this?
Spice World: The Movie – not as bad as I was expecting.
Subway Stories: Tales From The Underground – these short stories are evocative in their own ways but there’s no narrative drive so overall it’s unsatisfying; if only there had been some kind of arc or recurring character, just to draw it all together.
The Big Lebowski – as usual, I just don’t get Coen brothers’ films.
The Edge – Anthony Hopkins is good, but it’s a gruesome, stupid film with clumsy ‘moralising’.
The Fifth Element – Gary Oldman and Ian Holm carry it and remind us what the rest is probably supposed to be like.
The Full Monty – entertaining for a one-watch, so you don’t notice how it never really scratches the surface of the characters or how the plot is incredibly brief yet heavy-handed.
The Lost World: Jurassic Park
The Magic Sword: Quest For Camelot – awful.
The Man In The Iron Mask – baaaaaaaaaaaad acting.
The Man Who Knew Too Little – very fun, just don’t stop to think about the ending.
’Til There Was You – really did not want them to end up together, although mostly just didn’t care.
Titanic – insulting.
Trial And Error – a harmlessly lame comedy that will pass an afternoon, but not challenge or move you in any way.
Twin Town – was bored but got out of having to watch the rest of it by saying I don’t like it when animals get hurt in films.
Volcano – best disaster movie I’ve seen, the sense of gleeful edge-of-seat anticipation carried me right through to the end.
Wilde – so boring I had to turn it off.
1998
A Bug’s Life – the supporting characters are a lot of fun but I don’t much care for the ants or their plight; I had no idea this was based on that fable.
All The Little Animals – Christian Bale is amazing, shame about the clichéd plot and general terribleness of the film.
American History X – somehow failed to keep my attention.
Babe: Pig In The City – worth watching for just why anyone thought this gothic film should be about Babe, but not really suitable for children.
Blade – yet another lame trendy vampire story, with some politics thrown in too, the story doesn’t go anywhere and it was a boring ride to this nowhere.
Blast From The Past – terrible.
Blues Brothers 2000 – why?
City Of Angels
Croupier – completely forgettable.
Deep Rising – utter pants; the tagline 'Full Scream Ahead' is the best thing about this catastrophe of a monster movie.
Doctor Dolittle – forgettable.
Enemy Of The State – full of baffling techno-blah and ludicrous action plot stuff, but it’s funny and exciting when it’s meant to be, so kind of enjoyable.
Ever After: A Cinderella Story – not sure why they bothered making it but it’s watchable if there’s nothing else to do.
Hideous Kinky – okay but forgettable.
I Still Know What You Did Last Summer – another dumb slasher.
Jack Frost – can’t believe this made me cry.
Lethal Weapon 4 – stupid, forgettable.
Lock, Stock And Two Smoking Barrels – better the second time, once I knew who the hell everyone was.
Meet Joe Black – I liked the ending the first time I saw it, but only because the film stopped being repulsive, otherwise it’s way too long and boring.
Out Of Sight – okay but forgettable.
Paperback Hero – topless Hugh Jackman.
Perfect Blue – screwed up, so turned it off.
Pleasantville – excellent film, until it goes all heavy-handed on the metaphors.
Practical Magic – a very confused film, clearly a novel adaptation, it just doesn’t work.
Shakespeare In Love – if they both died, I wouldn’t care.
Simon Birch – one of those ‘watchable because I have nothing better to do’ films.
Sleepy Hollow – this would be one to miss if it wasn’t for Johnny Depp giving a career-best performance.
Small Soldiers – apart from the occasionally very funny bit and the creepy and scary action sequences this is just tame kids’ fare.
Snake Eyes – twist!
Sphere – hated it, baffling and yet dumb.
Star Trek: Insurrection – still don’t care about these characters (this would be fine as an episode, by why is it a film?)
Stepmom – stepmom is actually not a very important character at all, the title and the trailer are total misnomers, presumably because some exec at some point went, ‘whoa whoa whoa, no one is going to go see the cancer movie; pretend it’s about divorce instead.’ It’s an utterly bipolar plot and the moral is cancer makes everyone friends; well that’s nice.
The Con – naff and unconvincing.
The Faculty – thoroughly enjoyable film, apart from the horrendous pro-drugs message.
The Lion King 2: Simba’s Pride – the story of how Simba grew up to be a terrible king, so thanks for that.
The Mask Of Zorro – turned off for being pants.
The Opposite Of Sex – with clever set up, a post-modern unreliable narrator, witty and acidic humour and strong performances from the female leads, this extremely intelligent black comedy had me gasping and laughing out loud.
The Pentagon Wars – watchable.
The Truman Show – okay but flawed.
The Waterboy – I don’t enjoy crudeness or sports, but the acting is surprisingly good.
The Wedding Singer – they get together; that’s all there is to this tedious ‘rom-com’ that forgets both romance and comedy, so now I’ve saved you the pain of having to sit through it.
The X-Files – a big confusing mess of weird nothing.
Urban Legend – everyone on this campus happens to own the exact same coat.
What Dreams May Come – a big stupid lot of sad, poorly done.
You’ve Got Mail – takes romance and feel-good film clichés, and handles them refreshingly, intelligently and believably; just a shame about the ending.
1999
10 Things I Hate About You – nothing particularly good about it but nothing particularly bad about it either; it’s a nothing-film; it’s a teen flick.
American Beauty – didn’t get it, besides when it was new teenagers kept going on about plastic bags, which drove me MAD.
A Midsummer Night’s Dream – the all-star cast do NOTHING with the material.
Analyze This – funny but forgettable.
An Ideal Husband – if only Oscar Wilde could come back to life so I could punch him in the face.
Animal Farm – the patronising narration by Jessie the dog suggests this is a children’s film but it’s not suitable for children; it is a gruelling, cruel and depressing horror story; a poor adaptation with wasted visuals that will leave you at best irritated and patronised, at worst shattered and hollow inside.
Anna And The King – brilliant performances from Jodie Foster and Chow Yun-Fat.
Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me – I think I laughed twice.
Being John Malkovich – creeped the hell out of me.
Big Daddy – worth a laugh, but I didn’t like the characters or plot.
Bowfinger – very funny.
Cradle Will Rock – somewhere in here is a good plot but why is there so much going on?
Dogma – loathed this.
Drop Dead Gorgeous – brilliant black comedy.
East Is East – okay I guess, kind of depressing.
Edtv – pants.
Election – clever, witty and fun, this is a highly polished gem but the nastiness running through the plot does leave a bitter aftertaste so even though I find it very funny, I’m always hesitant to rewatch it.
Fantasia 2000 – why make another one?
Galaxy Quest – probably the strongest of the ‘actors mistaken for the real thing’ sub-sub-genre, it’s a fun Star Trek spoof with lots of witty lines and memorable performances by Sigourney Weaver, Alan Rickman and Sam Rockwell, yet it’s lacking something.
Girl. Interrupted – pretentious, forgettable, I think I gave up.
Happy, Texas
Inspector Gadget – pants with a couple of funny bits.
Isn’t She Great – not great.
Lake Placid – way too short, Brendan Gleeson is the only likeable person in it (there’s a problem with the characters when I spend the entire finale worrying about that poor cow (good news, it survives) and not the humans) and for some reason the croc appears to be bulimic, so how did it grow so big?
Love’s Labour’s Lost – not great.
Magnolia – I studied this at college and have seen it a million times so have no actual thoughts on it any more.
Man On The Moon – made me sad.
Maybe Baby – not very good.
Mickey Blue Eyes – fluff.
Molly – bit naff, but watchable (although it’s a rip of Flowers For Algernon, right?).
Muppets From Space – killed the Muppets for me.
My Favourite Martian – pants.
Mystery Men – not that good which is a shame because it’s a funny idea.
Never Been Kissed – yes she has, she’s just never had a good kiss (teen flick).
Notting Hill – dump her!
Office Space – forgettable.
Pushing Tin – hardly interesting.
Runaway Bride – completely forgettable.
Scream 3 – I fast-forwarded all the murders, so may not have given it my full attention.
She’s All That – I cannot BELIEVE I liked this when I was a teen.
Soccer Dog: The Movie – watchable Sunday afternoon kids’ fare, but the POV doesn’t quite work.
Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace – bored me.
Stuart Little – lovely fairy tale.
Tarzan – utterly pants, but Jane is a good female lead.
The Bachelor – a lot of fun, even if his ‘fear of commitment’ isn’t remotely believable.
The Green Mile – just did not care so never bothered watching the end.
The Haunting – awful film with unbelievable misunderstanding of what is scary, exacerbated by rubbish cgi.
The Iron Giant – very good until the massively clichéd ending.
The Matrix – a big pile of nonsense full of bad dialogue, bad acting, flat characters, accidentally amusing fight scenes and even a character returning from the dead due to a kiss (gah!).
The Mummy – stupid.
The Ninth Gate – horrid.
The Sixth Sense – Haley Joel Osment is amazing but the Bruce Willis stuff just gets in the way, as does the unrealistic dialogue and the pretentious camerawork.
The Talented Mr Ripley – saw most of this once, I refuse to watch the ending because it is unnecessary.
The Virgin Suicides – goes nowhere.
The World Is Not Enough – this was a bad year for the cinema.
Three Kings – studied this at college so little thoughts left; it’s violent, exciting, funny and moving, but it’s too slick for its own good and there’s no escaping that this is SATIRE.
Toy Story 2 – good, but not nearly as good as the first film, it rather lazily reverses the roles of the leads despite it not making sense, the plot is too disjointed and doesn’t swell together neatly or inevitably in the end and it gains nothing from adding new characters and massive action sequences.
Virtual Sexuality – some of it is all right (for teens) some of it is just lame.
Wild Wild West – mostly forgettable.
2000
28 Days – didn’t enjoy.
Bedazzled – a string of one-joke scenes, but they do raise a laugh.
Billy Elliot – the best of its genre, it is melodramatic but Jamie Bell is excellent.
Bootmen – felt like a soap.
Born Romantic – some good moments but it’s undermined by its ensemble nature, the male leads are fairly well developed but the females are nothing more than a slag, a snob and a kook, and only one pairing looks like it will last, also, enough salsa already!
Bring It On – forgettable, apart from the moral: when they cheat, they win; when they don’t cheat, they lose; so what does that teach us?
Cast Away – didn’t do it for me, I think I was expecting something different.
Charlie’s Angels – so naff I turned it off.
Chicken Run – very good.
Coyote Ugly – so I fancied Adam Garcia when I was a teenager… never understood the ‘sexy women’ advertising angle surely attracting the wrong audience to this post-teen chick-flick.
Dinosaur – rubbish.
Dracula 2001 (Dracula 2000) – click here.
Frequency – awesome time travel plot.
Gladiator – far too grisly and very boring so turned it off.
Gone In Sixty Seconds – stupid film.
High Fidelity – very good.
Little Nicky – dumb but funny occasionally.
Memento – look, it’s backwards, that makes it clever (felt very patronised watching this).
Me, Myself & Irene – dumb.
Miss Congeniality – dumb, forgettable.
Nurse Betty – odd mix of genres, very good in places, unsettling in others.
O Brother, Where Art Thou? – failed to interest or amuse me.
Relative Values – very good in places.
Save The Last Dance – didn’t grab me then, forgettable now.
Scary Movie – rubbish, although the finale made me chuckle.
Shadow Of The Vampire – horrible.
Snatch – so stylish I want to punch it in the face; it was fun but not involving.
The Dish – I thought it was going to be a comedy so was pretty bored by the drama that followed (why do advertisers push dramas as comedies so often?).
The Emperor’s New Groove – funny but no guts.
The Family Man – okay for a one-watch.
The Flintstones In Viva Rock Vegas – lame, forgettable.
The Little Mermaid II: Return To The Sea – WHAT DID THEY DO?
The Next Best Thing – another ‘not a comedy as advertised’, really quite nasty.
The Road To El Dorado
The Whole Nine Yards – forgettable.
Unbreakable – what if superheroes were boring?
What Lies Beneath – one massive cliché; with a red herring plot that’s more interesting than the real one, endless no-not-really explanations, an avenge-me ghost, memory loss and a just-can’t-be-killed killer, you’d think this was a spoof, but of course it’s all dreadfully po-faced.
Where The Heart Is – a melodrama with cheesy music, time for multiple births, deaths and marriages, and kidnappers, paedophiles, tornadoes and crippling train accidents hiding behind every number 5; but it’s still affecting.
Wild About Harry – bit naff.
X-Men – moving, funny and exciting, the heart is strong, the opening fascinating and the ending exhilarating, so even if story drags in the middle, the plot could use more explanation and several characters are completely flat it survives.
2001
A Beautiful Mind – excellent one-watch film.
AI: Artificial Intelligence – not sure what I was meant to like about this.
A Knight’s Tale – one of those ‘if they both died, I wouldn’t care’ films.
Amélie – excellent.
American Pie 2 – I survived watching this.
Animal Attraction (Someone Like You) – it’s just rubbish.
Atlantis: The Lost Empire – forgettable.
Bridget Jones’s Diary – funny and arresting.
Christmas Carol: The Movie – I liked it when I saw it at the cinema, but in retrospect it’s probably rubbish (at least it tries to do something different with the tired source material).
Conspiracy – forgettable.
Donnie Darko – oh get lost.
Eight Legged Freaks – gets better as it goes.
Enigma – so boring.
Evolution – not that good.
From Hell – this is a terrible story, missing everything that makes murder mysteries interesting and including everything that makes them dumb and contrived, one of the worst films I’ve ever seen.
Get Over It – I enjoyed it when I was a teen.
Gosford Park – with about a million different character connections and motivations to get straight, it could do with coming with a reference guide, but it’s still enjoyable, clever, witty and populated with an excellent cast (notably Clive Owen in a career-best performance).
Harry Potter And The Philosopher’s Stone – it’s watchable but I don’t get the point of Ron and Hermione, they could easily be cut and Ron looks like he’s got wind throughout the film while Hermione can’t speak without gyrating her head like she’s about to throw up.
I Am Sam – one of those emotionally manipulative dramas (Dakota Fanning is terrifyingly grown up and it’s difficult to imagine that she really is a child and not some alien overlord come down to our pitiful planet to make us her slaves).
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus – fluff for kids.
Jeepers Creepers – good for about three minutes, then it’s tripe.
Jimmy Neutron: Boy Genius – forgettable.
Jurassic Park III – quite fun and that bit on the bridge is nicely atmospheric.
Just Visiting – not very good, probably should have watched the original instead.
Legally Blonde – about two thirds in, this pointless and insulting tirade of obvious lameness gives up on plot and character and just starts ranting ‘Women GOOD; Men BAD’ and sees Elle winning a court case because it rests on knowledge of hairdos and shoes rather than because she’s learnt anything about law.
Monsters, Inc – a plot so obvious I guessed the entire thing from the trailer.
Not Another Teen Movie – maybe as many as two laughs in the entire film, if I’m generous.
Ocean’s Eleven – smug; the characters are all so laid back and Smug that they never worry so there’s no tension so it’s all extremely boring; only it’s so damn SMUG that it’s also grating; it boils down to a heist that’s boring, heroes that can’t be liked, a villain that can’t be hated and a romantic interest with no interest.
One Hour Photo – the camera ponders on huge empty sets to painfully slow ‘is your skin crawling yet’ music while Robin Williams stares into space, and first time viewers wet themselves by the threat suggested by its very absence, and the rest of us smack our heads into the wall knowing NOTHING is going to happen for another forty minutes.
Osmosis Jones – at times funny and sweet but never that good.
Rat Race – there are a few dud gags and the ending is too schmaltzy, but for a fast, zany story full of larger than life characters in larger than life situations, this is silly, absurd, quotable stuff.
Serendipity – really didn’t like it at all.
Shrek – it’s not funny and the moral is screwed up.
The Cat’s Meow – all problems can be solved by Charleston , Charleston , Charleston
The Lord Of The Rings: The Fellowship Of The Ring – the fellowship take an hour and a half to form and then at the end, having not yet reached where they are supposed to be going, they disband so I wonder what was the point of them and this film in the first place (also the best character is killed).
The Majestic – it’s an uncomfortable experience, watching two plots, one where people think Peter is Luke but we know he’s not, and one where people think Peter is a communist, but we know he’s not, waiting for these two disparate strands to collide.
The Man Who Wasn’t There – just could not engage with this so turned it off.
The Mummy Returns – so dumb, also a bore, so much worse than the first film and that wasn’t very good.
The Others – the servant plot makes no sense, the ending isn’t great and it doesn’t live up to repeat viewings, but it’s tense and moody (and occasionally startlingly frightening), creepy and extremely atmospheric, all quietness and darkness, tinted with the feeling that something is very wrong here and that’s where it’s good.
The Parole Officer – a gentle comedy that’s occasionally very funny but spoils itself by going too far with pathetic grossness and is less funny with every re-watch.
The Princess Diaries – forgettable.
The Royal Tenenbaums – not hilarious or heart-wrenching, but enjoyable, I’d happily watch more but it did take a while to grow on me.
The Score – the first time the heist was tense and the twist was cool, but that’s lost completely with repeat viewings (Edward Norton’s good though).
Tremors 3: Back To Perfection – a witty script, loads of references and it all ties up, there are problems here but it’s also a lot of fun.
Vanilla Sky – completely forgettable (but don’t think I liked it—pseudo-clever stuff, with a twist that makes the whole film pointless followed by a lame ending—Kurt Russell’s existentialism was the only interesting bit).
What Women Want – really fun and inventive, but that ‘romance’ kills it (Hunt is a black hole to Gibson’s charisma).
Wit – cancer is sad.
2002
28 Days Later… – occasionally ludicrous, often pretentious and constantly boring, I suffered an hour before the tedium and depression finally caused me to snap and I turned it off.
About A Boy – pithy, witty comedy, extremely clever and very cynical, only let down slightly by the romance.
Adaptation. – very funny, very clever.
A Guy Thing – ghastly.
Analyze That – terrible unneeded sequel, so bad I turned it off.
Bad Company – inoffensive action film complete with plot holes, tacky editing and flat leads, but I liked Agent Seale.
Blade II – couldn’t stand it, forgettable.
Blood Work – ghastly, stupid action flick.
Bowling For Columbine – effective.
Bubba Ho-tep – it was just about watchable.
Catch Me If You Can – very good.
Confessions Of A Dangerous Mind – not good, not helped by the direction.
Death To Smoochy – the Randolph
Dragonfly – why do ghosts never just explain what they’re trying to say in understandable ways?
Full Frontal – what was that?
Harry Potter And The Chamber Of Secrets – despite Harry saving them all from Voldemort in the last film, they now believe that he is a raging murderer; these people are idiots.
Hey Arnold! The Movie – naff with random references, but Helga does finally tell Arnold
Ice Age – I love the hilarious character interactions, so even if the plot’s a bit clichéd, the sharp writing makes up for it, and the cave paintings scene gets me every time.
It’s A Very Merry Muppet Christmas Movie – giving Kermit the George Bailey treatment is a fun idea but what’s with the sexual references?
K-19: The Widowmaker – okay for what it is I guess.
Kate & Leopold – forgettable and the ending is dumb.
Men In Black 2 – bit naff but kinda fun.
My Big Fat Greek Wedding – the moral is: embrace your heritage even if it takes every piece of happiness and individuality from you, and make sure it controls the lives of your husband and children too.
Nicholas Nickleby – once Phlegm or whatever he was called died it went downhill (also, Mr Nickleby, that’s not an English accent).
Panic Room – one of the best examples of the suspense thriller, taut and terrifying, exhilarating and entertaining, viewing after viewing.
Red Dragon – forgettable, never amounts to much because it tries too hard to evoke The Silence Of The Lambs, rather than being a film in its own right.
Road To Perdition – since the opening narration spoils what’s going to happen I couldn’t be bothered.
Scooby-Doo – “I’m a man of substance. Dorky chicks like you turn me on too.” Some of it is brilliant but some of it is awful, shame really.
Shanghai Knights – this just could not catch my attention.
Signs – I can’t believe they left their dog outside.
Spider-Man – there’s not much to the characters and the ‘comic-book dialogue’ is poor and hokey, but the film is funny.
Star Trek: Nemesis – the fourth and final Next Generation film again basically only stars Picard and Data, making you wonder why the other cast members bother turning up and I still don’t care about any of them.
Stuart Little 2 – a complete waste of space.
The Bourne Identity – “How could I forget about you? You’re the only person I know.” Watchable for an action film but having the audience know what it takes Bourne the whole film to find out is dull.
The Hot Chick – surprisingly watchable.
The Hours – oh it’s just so boring and pretentious.
The Lord Of The Rings: The Two Towers
The Sweetest Thing – to enjoy, disengage brain (one of those ‘chicks can do gross-out humour’ films).
The Time Machine – utterly unbearably awful.
Tomorrow La Scala! – enjoyable comic drama.
Treasure Planet – bland.
Two Weeks Notice – some heavy flaws, but it’s a rom-com that’s actually both romantic and comic and I haven’t seen one of those in years.
Welcome To Collinwood – perfectly enjoyable but it’s no classic; perhaps more one to rent than own.
xXx – forgettable.
2003
American Splendor – boring, depressing, Brechtian.
Big Fish – main guy is a total jerk, so really don’t care about his adventures.
Bruce Almighty – endless and humourless.
Cheaper By The Dozen – what starts as a fun family film melts into a distressing and depressing trudge towards the finish line, in which we learn that big problems solve small problems and good people have to give up their dreams for selfish people.
Daredevil – an utterly pants film on every level; there isn’t a good moment here.
Dead End – stupid but thinks it is clever, which just makes it more stupid.
Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star – better than I expected.
Down With Love – nice parody of 60s rom-coms.
Elf – pretty good until the massive plot-shift at the end.
Eternal Sunshine Of The Spotless Mind – I’d say interesting rather than enjoyable; it’s very Kaufman.
Finding Nemo – very emotional, very affecting, but the ending is rather trite and the funny touches, while very funny, aren’t enough to counterbalance the emotional heaviness.
Girl With A Pearl Earring – art (boring).
Gothika – hilariously awful, I spent the time counting the ceiling tiles in the cinema.
Hulk – pretty sure I slipped into a coma.
Identity – stupid, with a double twist (one painfully obvious and one utterly ridiculous).
InterMission – the wobbling, zooming camera gave me a headache.
Intolerable Cruelty – so slick it’s boring.
I Witness – gritty and sad, so not for me.
Johnny English – the plot is embarrassing but overall the film is funny.
Le Divorce – unbearably awful.
Lost In Translation – NOTHING HAPPENS.
Love Actually – by mashing all these plots together, none get attention, development or depth.
Master And Commander: The Far Side Of The World – excellent cinematic experience, but I do want them all to die (bar the doctor and the kid).
Matchstick Men – twist ruins it.
Mona Lisa Smile – okay, quite rushed.
Peter Pan – Jeremy Sumpter is excellent as Peter.
Pirates Of The Caribbean: The Curse Of The Black Pearl
Runaway Jury – quite enjoyable thriller.
Stuck On You – still kind of lowbrow humour, but the film is sweet and poignant, manages to have a moral without being schmaltzy and it can be funny and moving at the same time.
Terminator 3: Rise Of The Machines – there was no need for a third Terminator film and this pathetic sequel offers nothing to excuse its existence.
The Italian Job – predictable and straightforward, this is at least a harmless way to spend an evening if you can’t be bothered to get up off the settee.
The League Of Extraordinary Gentlemen – what a league of rubbish.
The Lord Of The Rings: The Return Of The King – the whole film, and it’s a very, very long film, is one battle, Sam is the only good character (Faramir might be if he had any screen time) and it should all end about twenty minutes sooner than it does; overall, emotionally gruelling.
The School Of Rock
Thoughtcrimes – rushes through the plot, throwing characters that are never explained about willy-nilly and repeatedly dumping potential male leads (I did like Brendan though); it’s just dull dreck.
Willard – had to stop watching it due to cat-peril.
X2 – a major let down after the first one, it’s like an early draft that meandered about and never got anywhere but for some reason actually made it to the screen; sure glad they didn’t waste the whole sequel opportunity…
2004
13 Going On 30 – touching and funny fluff.
50 First Dates – bittersweet syrup.
Along Came Polly – a big heap of rubbish, I know that romantic comedies are formulaic but that’s not an excuse to not try; the plot is painfully, sledgehammer obvious, the comedy clichéd and old and there’s no conflict.
Anchorman: The Legend Of Ron Burgundy – seems to have confused wit with randomness.
Because Of Winn-Dixie – disappointing, forgettable.
Bridget Jones: The Edge Of Reason – pathetic retread of the first, except now stupid, irritating and puerile.
Churchill: The Hollywood Years – funny in places but overall a let down.
Connie And Carla – drag plus musicals, I’m sold.
De-Lovely – it’s boring, pretentious, depressing and explains NOTHING.
Dodgeball: A True Underdog Story – obvious and crude.
Ella Enchanted – dire (nothing like the book).
Finding Neverland – dreamlike, fails to explain anything.
Five Children And It – very disappointing, forgettable.
Harry Potter And The Prisoner Of Azkaban – he’s called Remus Lupin but it’s supposed to be a secret that he’s a werewolf, hilarious!
Hellboy – the plot and writing is terrible, although Hellboy himself is kind of amusing.
I ♥ Huckabees – I hope this film dies.
I, Robot – painfully obvious, which is a shame because it looked like it would be fun.
Lemony Snicket’s A Series Of Unfortunate Events – good, not as good as it thinks it is, but good.
Looney Tunes: Back In Action – the plot and human characters leave something to be desired but then there’s Daffy Duck, Bugs Bunny, Yosemite Sam, Elmer Fudd, Tasmanian Devil, Marvin The Martian, Wile E Coyote, Sylvester, Granny, Tweety, Beaky Buzzard, Foghorn Leghorn, Michigan J Frog, Pepe Le Pew, Porky Pig, Ralph and Sam and more… this is a Looney Tune GOLDMINE.
Napoleon Dynamite – didn’t laugh, forgettable.
National Treasure – incredibly anti-British and logic free.
Ocean’s Twelve – despite a satisfying start, somehow Twelve is actually worse than Eleven, which I honestly didn’t think was possible, it’s a confusing mess, has a limitless list of backtracking double bluffs that make the whole film pointless and it’s dreary and lifeless.
Racing Stripes – pathetic, forgettable.
Raising Helen – clichéd and patronising, it irritated me because I didn’t like Helen.
Scooby-Doo 2: Monsters Unleashed – fun fluff, plus Seth Green is cute.
Secret Window – terrible twist.
Shaun Of The Dead – did not do it for me, think I was expecting something different from the advertising, it seems to stop being funny halfway through.
Shrek 2 – it would be a nicer moral if they didn’t both have to be ogres, or are only people who are the same allowed to become a couple?
Sky Captain And The World Of Tomorrow – dull, pointless gimmick (nothing is really there, including extras) and the most irritating female lead ever, but Jude Law does punch her, which I’d wanted to do for the entire film, and the very ending is really funny.
Son Of The Mask – unsurprisingly, it isn’t very good, but the dog vs baby stuff is nicely ACME.
Spider-Man 2 – if you can ignore that Doc Ock’s plan makes no sense, the cheesy dialogue and that Harry has had his personality removed then this is a witty and exciting film (the bit where Peter saves that toddler from the burning building is awesome).
Stage Beauty – it’s amusing and interesting and there are good performances (if you ignore the wobbly accents) but I’m not entirely sure what point it’s trying to make and I didn’t really enjoy it the last time I saw it.
Starsky & Hutch – abysmal, forgettable.
Team America
The Incredibles – advertised so much before its release that it was completely ruined and in repeat viewings the film fails to grab me on any level.
The Ladykillers – didn’t make me laugh, wished it would just END.
The Life Aquatic With Steve Zissou – mostly boring.
The Lion King 3: Hakuna Matata (The Lion King 1½) – “Well enough of that.” A well-needed antidote to the sombre seriousness of the first film.
The Phantom Of The Opera – rubbish (obviously).
The Polar Express - all the stuff on the train is atmospheric and exciting, shame the finale of meeting Santa Claus is a major anti-climax.
The SpongeBob SquarePants Movie – okay if you like the cartoon and are nine.
The Stepford Wives – the music is amazing, the dark humour hits the spot, the choreography and direction keep it creepy and threatening but it lacks detail, character development and run time.
The Terminal – enjoyable.
Thunderbirds – WHAT DID THEY DO?
Tremors 4: The Legend Begins – funny, littered with references, Michael Gross gets to play a very different Gummer and the Graboids are a welcome return to form; but it’s an unnecessary prequel, it’s too serious and needs better characters; still, more westerns should have giant underground monsters in them.
Troy – so boring and poorly acted I turned it off.
Without A Paddle – all the Seth Green in the world ain’t gonna get me to watch the rest of this.
2005
A Cock And Bull Story – okay I guess.
Batman Begins – watchable but too much monotonous fighting and as hard as Batman may be, I just can’t help smirking at the idea of him crying and waving his hands in the air, screaming, ‘there are bats in my hair.’
Casanova – clichéd but watchable.
Charlie And The Chocolate Factory – pointless; Charlie’s characterisation is dumped after half an hour, the Oompa Loompas are incredibly disturbing, the visuals are underwhelming and too computerised, the sub-plot about Willy Wonka’s father is awkward and unnecessary and Johnny Depp’s performance is bizarre and misjudged.
Cheaper By The Dozen 2 – a moral at complete odds with the first film, too many characters, a repetitive plot, a schmaltzy unsatisfying ending plus some offensive anti-gay and disabled jokes, yet this is superior to the first film because it isn’t gruelling.
Elekta – pants, obviously.
Fantastic Four – the story of four egotists who forget there were FIVE people on that space mission and the evil baddy who randomly goes all Norman Osborn for no reason (possibly because his surname is Von Doom and he just felt it was going that way) and whose grand master evil plan is to cure a guy of his disability.
Fun With Dick And Jane – the story of rich people who mug people so they can afford a Jacuzzi (it’s also poorly constructed).
Harry Potter And The Goblet Of Fire – dull and grim and the plot is even more horrendously obvious than in the last one.
Herbie: Fully Loaded – misses the point of Herbie on many levels, most notably that Herbie is supposed to help those who need help, not someone who is capable of winning on their own and at no point does the villain sabotage Herbie, so at no point does he cheat, so he’s a fairer player than the hero.
Keeping Mum – enjoyable.
King Kong – so lengthy that Kong feels like a subplot and why is Ann in love with the ape, that’s gross; Kyle Chandler and Colin Hanks are the only highlights.
Kinky Boots – typical clichéd ‘heart-warming’ Brit-flick, but Charlie and Lola are magnificent, shame the film lacks focus (the brief opening scene with a young Simon aka Lola dancing in women’s shoes on a pier is amazing).
Kiss Kiss Bang Bang – brilliantly witty.
March Of The Penguins – the story of how being a penguin SUCKS.
Monster-In-Law – okay fluff until the lame ending.
Nanny McPhee – the ending is rushed, the moral is a bit shifty and the children are a bunch of ungrateful brats, but Colin Firth is a hoot.
Robots – lots of great ideas but the plot is weak.
Serenity – I was so bored; this is a Star Wars rip off without the charm; there’s overly serious rambling, tediously choreographed action sequences, an utterly predictable plot and it’s smug.
Sky High – “You know how my mum can communicate with animals? Apparently they don’t like being eaten.” Very funny film, if a bit teen-centric at times.
Thank You For Smoking – “Please don’t ruin my childhood.” Darkly funny, but there’s no character growth or narrative journey, so what’s the point?
The 40 Year Old Virgin – pants.
The Brothers Grimm – awful, not funny, terrible pointless cgi but Heath Ledger is good.
The Chronicles Of Narnia: The Lion, The Witch And The Wardrobe – very dull and I'm sure Peter is abusive to Edmond
The Family Stone – billed as a comedy, this is actually a drama and it’s ghastly; the Stones are evil and the plot is a cliché (including my least favourite romantic film cliché ‘loosen up an uptight female by getting her drunk rather than relying on character development’) so why should I care.
The Hitchhiker’s Guide To The Galaxy – the music and special effects are amazing, but the plot and characters are terrible.
The Illusionist – the tagline is ‘Nothing Is What It Seems’ which is hilarious because this is the most predictable film ever.
The Producers – often fails to use the scale a film can handle, settling instead for stagy shots, which is irritating; losing King Of Broadway completely mucks up both the structure of the story and the character development; but it is still very funny with some amazing songs and Nathan Lane
The Science Of Sleep – lots of boring, confusing and trippy dream sequences with irritating camera work and the fact that Stephane neither gets better nor learns to live with his delusions is distressing and left me with an uncomfortable and depressed feeling inside.
Tim Burton’s Corpse Bride – Victor completely changes his priorities halfway through, the film becomes boring, irritating, nonsensical, the ending is pathetic and the songs just aren’t songs.
Valiant – the plot is so straightforward it may as well not exist and the animation is bland.
V For Vendetta – I enjoyed it up until that gutting twist, at which point it degenerates into the patronisingly obvious yet unconvincingly unbelievable.
Walk The Line – a poorly constructed story that did nothing for me, other than make me dislike and slightly fear Cash.
Wallace & Gromit in The Curse Of The Were-Rabbit – the bigger world and longer running time work against it, but it does, in places, retain the eeriness of shorts, it can also be thrilling, and it is amusing.
2006
A Good Year – Tom Hollander is in it, that’s why I went to see it, that’s what I like about it.
Alien Autopsy – softly funny but there’s not much of an ending.
Black Sheep – disgusting and not funny (example, at one point we see a sheep bite off a guy’s penis), it’s irrelevant that the monsters are sheep and it’s boring; the title isn’t a pun, it’s a description – this really is a disgrace.
Bridge To Terabithia – boring yet horrific.
Cars – why do cars exist if there are no humans?
Children Of Men – if you’ve seen one post-apocalyptic drama, you’ve seen them all.
Click – it isn’t funny, the final third is too depressing and Adam Sandler just seems to be bored.
Confetti – the scenes that made the final cut and the scenes left on the deleted section of the DVD are of equal or random quality, since it was all improvised anyway, so if you watch it all, there is definitely a good film in there, but if you just watch the film you’ll be left somewhat disappointed.
Failure To Launch – very bad, the characters are completely flat and it forgets to actually put any romance in between the set-up and the finale.
Flushed Away – doesn’t have time to set up the characters or plot in enough detail, making it feel empty and the laughs are very hit and miss.
Happily N’Ever After – terrible, has misunderstood the point of Cinderella and its internal logic is non-existent and what is that apostrophe doing?
Happy Feet – comes across as six short stories stuck together rather than a coherent plot, short on character development, the music is terrible (and disturbingly sexualised for a kids’ film) and the ending happens so easily, it might as well not have bothered with any of the struggle.
High School Musical – oh no, Gabriella and Troy
Ice Age 2: The Meltdown – comic genius.
Inside Man – slow paced, entirely unconvincing, no thrills, no tension, no emotional involvement.
Little Miss Sunshine – quite a nice film, but it’s difficult to like any of the characters (other than Olive).
Meet The Robinsons – it’s funny and has a strong emotional core, but I don’t believe the zany nonsense world could possibly be the near future, still the villain has a cape and a twirly moustache, he’s funny, he’s sympathetic and redeemable so I am SOLD.
Miss Potter – there’s no focus, not on how Beatrix wrote her stories, not on her relationship with Mr Warne and not on her life in the country; it just feels like they didn’t know where it was going when they wrote it and didn’t bother redrafting when they got to the end.
Monster House – wonderfully nostalgic, funny and creepy, this is thoroughly enjoyable (they should make more films like this and Super 8).
My Super Ex-Girlfriend – as much plot as the title, it is funny but it’s also sexist (towards men), which kind of kills it.
Night At The Museum – making the magical mundane.
Over The Hedge – much more enjoyable than it looks, but it doesn’t really linger in the memory once it has finished.
Pan’s Labyrinth – I very much wish I had not seen this film; twenty minutes in a man has his face and skull bashed in with a bottle on screen; this is the first of many ridiculously graphic moments that make this sadistically unpleasant film utterly gruelling to sit through as the pace trickles along; it’s also heavy-handed, simplistic and dull.
Penelope – the major reason why this utterly pants film doesn’t work is that pig-faced Penelope isn’t ugly, also her romantic interest is incredibly bland, there are too many characters and it’s a boring, convoluted mess; the only thing going for this vapid and hideously misjudged ‘story’ is the comedy, but even that is sporadic and too black.
Pirates Of The Caribbean: Dead Man’s Chest – I still want my money back; none of the (weak) characters are likeable any more, the plot is insipid, there’s no ending and the makers seem to have forgotten what pirates are; the first film was at least fun the first time round, this doesn’t even have that.
Sixty Six – okay.
Starter For 10 – ghastly, he’s just loathsome and it’s pointless.
Stranger Than Fiction – there’s something wrong with a film when the best character is a wristwatch.
Superman Returns – the plot is crummy, the style is jejune and slow and most of the characters and actors are poor.
The Ant Bully – nice moral.
The Holiday – Jude Law is so perfect in this he could turn straight men gay, but the rest of the film is pretty lame.
The Host – I dislike that he fails, means I don’t really get it.
The Pink Panther – bearable.
The Prestige – utter awfulness, this is so bad I immediately went out and read the book as I was sure no book could possibly be this bad (turns out the film repeatedly does the OPPOSITE of what happens in the novel).
The Pursuit Of Happyness – a soul-destroying slog about a jerk.
The Wild – ghastly unfunny hyperactive rubbish (the only thing I enjoyed was the joke that the koala’s nemesis is a toy version of himself).
X-Men - The Last Stand – “What have I done?” Rogue, Cyclops, where are you, come back!
2007
1408 – afterwards I found out I was watching the Director’s Cut; so this is the film how the director wanted it to be; someone out there is proud of this boring and stupid film; that’s really sad.
4: Rise Of The Silver Surfer – flat characters, wooden actors, atrocious dialogue, unexplained plot developments and the Fantastic 4 are the worst superheroes ever, selfish, slow, not particularly skilled and they don’t learn from their mistakes, but there’s plenty to laugh at (that’s AT, not with).
And When Did You Last See Your Father? – I’m just not sure why a non-linear memoir about bereavement sounded like a book that needed to be adapted into a film; the film is exactly as expected, sad, slow, dreary, inconclusive, mildly pretentious and bereft of likeable characters.
Bee Movie – the first half hour is good, the rest isn’t.
Be Kind Rewind – mostly lame and dull, this is a shame because I love videos.
Beowulf – extremely unpleasant, upsetting, gruesome, gratuitous, boring, terrible, upsettingly terrible, with hardly any plot or character, nobody seems to have bothered writing a script, I can’t believe Robert Zemeckis made it.
Disturbia – utterly ridiculous, this is sort of Rear Window for teenagers, except I was perfectly capable of enjoying Rear Window when I was a teenager.
Enchanted – major let down, but the (underused) cartoon-in-real-world stuff is funny.
Evan Almighty – blatantly an old script that has been poorly changed to be a Bruce sequel, doesn’t really make sense (why does he need animals from all over the world if the flood is localised, also ‘acts of random kindness’ doesn’t mean the same thing as ‘random acts of kindness’) and hugely not funny.
Fred Claus – when you become a saint, you, your family and spouse live forever… how much of your family; who counts as family; does this mean you can’t have children, because you’ll end up populating the world; don’t saints only become so after death, so do they get resurrected; can you die; what if a car hit you?
Ghost Rider – doesn’t try for a second to make any sense or go anywhere plot-related, at least it’s so predictable that it can be ignored and so isn’t the worst superhero film.
Gone Baby Gone – I loathed this.
Hairspray – fun, entertaining and witty, but it lacks memorable songs, the direction and choreography are unimaginative, there are too many underused characters, it has a weak plot, the moral is heavy-handed and the happy ending comes about remarkably easy; the whole film is a series of easily deflated situations.
Harry Potter And The Order Of The Phoenix – as the plot speeds along, explained only in the lazy device of spinning newspapers, it crashes into the finale, where we learn the good guys will fight Voldemort, but it won’t be in this film; so much like the previous two, this is a non-entity, simply setting stuff up for further sequels.
High School Musical 2 – Sharpay, after having her hard work and dreams destroyed in the first film by boring Gabriella, again loses everything to boring Gabriella.
Hot Fuzz – I enjoy it up until the finale.
I Am Legend – I stopped watching it due to dog-peril but having heard about the reshot ending, I cannot believe what rubbish it must be.
Inkheart – a cool premise does not a good film make (but it did encourage me to read the book).
Juno – so straightforward it’s pointless.
Magicians – it’s okay, but I wish Robert Webb was in it more; Darren Boyd is the highlight.
Mr Bean’s Holiday – superb slapstick, very funny.
Mr Magorium’s Wonder Emporium – nice fairy tale but it’s so magical that the characters don’t feel real.
National Treasure: Book Of Secrets – it’s still anti-British, the baddie makes no sense and what’s with all the breaking in and stealing; just say, “Hello, I’m that world famous treasure hunter that everyone loves because I found the most important historical discovery ever, could I please look at your antique because there’s a really important clue hidden in it.”
Next – for dumb action fare, it’s watchable (even though the special effects are quite terrible and the characters are utterly flat) because the gimmick is cool.
Ocean’s Thirteen – unbearable; the problem is I hate these smug gits and want them to fail; if only Benedict had stuck to his guns and had them killed when they stole from him in the first film, I wouldn’t have to sit through this irritating and uninteresting smug-fest.
Ratatouille – speeds through every tedious film cliché, making them all worse since they don’t go anywhere, the characters are all dull and it has a boring ending (if you want to watch a film that contains a rodent and gourmet cooking, watch MouseHunt, instead).
Run Fatboy Run – it’s not funny, the lead is detestable and no matter how many ‘emotional’ scenes are rammed in, it has been five years since Dennis left his pregnant fiancée at the alter, FIVE YEARS of seeing her every day, how is it only NOW that he wants to do anything about it?
Shrek The Third – who cares, why did they keep making these?
Son Of Rambow – funny and sweet with two excellent child leads, but personally I’d have cut the weird French kid plot so the film could focus where it belongs, on the relationship between Lee Carter and Will and their home lives.
Spider-Man 3 – WHAT DID THEY DO?
Stardust – a boring, patronising, clichéd mess that’s offensively misogynistic (all the women are either malicious, promiscuous or subordinate to men and when Captain Shakespeare, who we know to be proficient at swordplay, puts on a dress, he instantly becomes weak and ineffectual).
St Trinian’s – a school of minors involved in organised crime, voyeurism, alcoholism, theft, drug abuse, drug dealing, drug smuggling, bullying, violence, murder, sex and solicitation, this is horrific subject matter and the camera spends most of the film looking up the skirts of schoolgirls; the Education Minister should carpet-bomb the place back to hell.
Sunshine – following in the footsteps of every science fiction drama ever made, this does nothing new, nothing unexpected, bores the life out of you and yet still manages to have a ludicrous unstoppable killer plot from cheapo slasher films, ooh, the worst of both worlds, thanks.
Surf’s Up – ‘surfing penguins’ is not enough of an idea on which to base an entire film.
The Dark Is Rising (The Seeker) – this wouldn’t be half bad, if anyone had taken the time to explain any of what is going on, but alas they did not and instead it’s an ill-explained, horribly clichéd mess.
The Golden Compass – in an unexplained parallel world, one really irritating girl is destined to do absolutely nothing; I could not sit straight-faced through a film where people endlessly mention dust and get very serious and angry about it; and there’s no ending, so it’s confusing right up until it just stops being on.
The Nines – I turned it off for being self-indulgent tosh.
Then She Found Me – clearly a novel adaptation so kind of an unfocused mess.
The Simpsons Movie – stays pretty much on ‘meh’ level, these aren’t really the Simpsons, just caricatures of themselves and all the elements in it have been done before, and better.
TMNT – forgettable.
Transformers –propaganda for the American army.
Wild Hogs – homophobic (among many other flaws).
Zodiac – the gratuitous brutality at the start sickened me so I had to stop.
2008
27 Dresses – “Don’t you have any needs?” “No, I’m Jesus.” To punish you, writer of non-mediocre dialogue, you must have every single rom-com cliché ever devised shoved into the film in the last act. “What colour is this, vomit?”
Baby Mama – it’s some bad writing that can make a plot I’ve never seen before this clichéd.
Bolt – doesn’t make sense and the characters are hardly original.
Cloverfield – aka ‘Rob’s Quest Of Doom’, can’t see what’s going on and don’t find out what happens, which could be infuriating, but not being able to see certainly ups the excitement and I’m satisfied that it tells the story it sets out to tell, even if it is a tale of doom.
Coraline – it’s very interesting but all too fleeting.
Definitely, Maybe – interesting structural idea and as rom-coms go it is diverting and not as clichéd, but I don’t want him to end up with any of them (particularly the emotionally manipulative one).
Dr Seuss’ Horton Hears A Who! – I like the Whoville stuff, but not the Horton stuff and the moral is very confused.
Easy Virtue – funny, some great performances and one of my favourite endings ever.
Four Christmases – it doesn’t work (and what the hell is a jump-jump?).
Get Smart – the female lead is so clichéd I can’t believe she made it into a film this century and I actively prayed for her death when I could muster the energy that this boring and tediously obvious film had dragged from me, because it’s not funny.
Ghost Town – gentle and effective if soppy and rushed towards the end.
Hancock – there are a few laughs in the premise, then it’s kind of schmaltzy as Hancock meets the world’s nicest guy and learns to be responsible for his actions, but that only takes forty minutes at which point a completely new, boring, confusing plot starts that changes the entire film and makes it really serious.
Hellboy II: The Golden Army – one of the most painful viewing experiences ever, I tried to turn it off, but had been paralysed by boredom and had to lie there waiting for the film to die.
Hotel For Dogs – so stupid it needs to be put down.
Igor – “And bring me back a toy.” A huge mess, there are so many ideas here that contradict each other, potential sadly wasted.
In Bruges
Iron Man – gets better the more I watch it, helped greatly by Robert Downey Jr generally oozing charisma.
Mad Money – bland American remake of bland English TV drama.
Mamma Mia! – paternity test!
My Name Is Bruce – I didn’t hate it as much as The Housemate and he’s the Bruce fan.
Nim’s Island – the three plots never satisfactorily come together but the lizard is a hoot.
Recount – compelling but we all know the ending.
Synecdoche, New York
The Accidental Husband – he’s not the accidental husband, he’s the malicious deliberate husband.
The Bank Job – badly written, not very interesting and nasty to boot.
The Brothers Bloom – bit pretentious, stupid ending.
The Bucket List – Freeman and Nicholson go around jumping out of planes and trekking the Earth because one of them is luckily a billionaire, and learn that family will forgive anything if you’re dying and that cancer can be ignored until the moment you drop dead.
The Chronicles Of Narnia: Prince Caspian – everyone from the first film is dead, great sequel idea; and the battle is horrific and not suitable for children.
The Dark Knight – I can’t believe the Joker’s convoluted forward-thinking-to-impossible-levels plans work and he survives them by luck, such as when he isn’t crushed to death by that lorry, or he isn’t blown up or shredded in that exploding police station, or he doesn’t have his brains blown out by Harvey
The Incredible Hulk – often funny with a likeable lead, this is enjoyable as superhero films go.
The Spiderwick Chronicles – does absolutely nothing new or interesting and is manipulative and dull.
The Tale Of Despereaux – who is the main character?
The Women – all female cast doesn’t work if all they talk about is men.
The X-Files: I Want To Believe – but the X-File part is the twist so why did they get Mulder in to start with, also, as with the TV show, they fail to save anyone other than themselves.
Tropic Thunder – funny but not hilarious, not particularly clever, doesn’t tell us anything we haven’t seen before in movie parodies and doesn’t go anywhere; the mock trailers at the start are much funnier than the rest of the film.
Twilight – I’ve lost part of my life watching this nonsense, I’m still sick about it; watching this dreary teen schlock is like drowning in bad soup, it’s all awful, but it gets everywhere and you can’t get away, you just sink.
WALL-E – entertaining and emotionally charged, it has slapstick, adventure, sacrifice and love, and yes, it is just that little bit awing at times.
Yes Man – utter rubbish.
2009
17 Again – diverting enough for this sort of fluff.
A Christmas Carol – why did they bother?
Astro Boy – so sad.
Avatar – can’t believe I watched this tripe.
Cirque Du Freak: The Vampire’s Assistant – there’s something wrong with a film when the best character is a spider.
Cloudy With A Chance Of Meatballs – masterpiece.
Creation – dull and probably obvious.
Did You Hear About The Morgans? – even Hugh Grant can’t save this.
Dorian Gray – aargh, no, ghastly, bad, terrible, awful, nothing works about this at all, it completely fails at any kind of pace and the ‘monster’ noises coming from the painting are hilarious and what’s with all the slo-mo?
Fantastic Mr Fox – just weird, doesn’t seem to be aimed at children and the animation is creepy.
Harry Potter And The Half-Blood Prince – what’s the point of the Half-Blood Prince, it makes no difference to anything.
Ice Age 3: Dawn Of The Dinosaurs – I was incredibly disappointed by this, a total dud.
Knowing – nastily depressing.
Monsters Vs Aliens – “Don’t think of this as a prison, think of it as a hotel you never leave because it’s locked from the outside.” It’s fun, but I didn’t care much about the characters (due to the film skipping the month in which they get to know each other) and in the end, Susan’s personality is swallowed entirely as she discovers the only thing worthwhile about her is her superpower, which is an incredibly depressing moral.
New Moon – I’m Team ‘Edward and Bella should fall off a cliff and DIE’.
Sherlock Holmes – a mixture of violent fight scenes that are practically wetting themselves over how cool they are and clichéd Holmesesque deduction; Holmes doesn’t come across as remotely intelligent, just occasionally lucky or psychic (Watson’s good though).
Shutter Island – trippy, twisty nonsense is not my kind of thing and the actors felt like performance artists, the whole thing kept reminding me of The Others, The Wicker Man, Identity, Memento and Gone Baby Gone all mashed together and I have issues with the ending.
Star Trek – WHAT DID THEY DO?
The Ghosts Of Girlfriends Past – bad.
The Imaginarium Of Doctor Parnassus – wha?
The Invention Of Lying – illogical film, it’s a funny idea for a sketch but doesn’t work for a full-length film and veers between being a comedy about blunt people, a clumsy satire on religion and a love story that tells us it’s okay to be ugly so long as you have a nice personality (if you’re a man).
The Princess And The Frog – weird, not good.
The Proposal – a rom-com without much focus on either rom or com, plus it’s misogynist, as Andrew rebels against having a female boss and by the end he’s telling her to shut up and forcing her into a kiss; did we just slip back in time sixty years?
Transformers: Revenge Of The Fallen – I’m not stupid enough to watch the sequel of film as abysmal as Transformers, but I did watch the start, just to give it a chance; the psychotic ‘goodies’ terrorise the harmless ‘baddies’, chase them when they run away and savagely murder them, and then laugh about it.
Up – the emotional exploration of life after the death of a loved one is at odds with the dispiritingly naff, ridiculously illogical, hole-ridden plot, while the paper-thin villain is an insult to anyone with a brain cell; this is often very amusing and guaranteed to jerk the heartstrings, but overall it’s simplistic and unsatisfying.
Where The Wild Things Are – the puppetry is impressive but otherwise, what a tedious, horrible film, what was that and who could it possibly be aimed at?
X-Men Origins: Wolverine – utter pants.
Zombieland – no matter how hard a film tries to look good or have quirky ideas, if it is obvious, it is boring; the only positive I can think of to sitting through this paint-by-numbers childlike attempt to create a piece of fiction is: at least it’s short.
2010
Despicable Me – utterly lame.
Diary Of A Wimpy Kid – it was all right.
Furry Vengeance – watched a couple of minutes, more would be life threatening.
Grown Ups – not funny, don’t like the characters and going to a water park is not a simple back to your roots thing, it’s what spoilt rich people do.
Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows: Part 1 – nothing really happens.
How To Train Your Dragon – very funny and the dragon is adorable.
Hugo – the plot is all over the place, it wastes many opportunities and it’s stupid.
Iron Man 2 – much better the second time.
Knight And Day – stupid so I got bored and stopped watching.
Megamind – wonderful exploration of what villainy means, lovely.
Percy Jackson & The Lightning Thief – the plot developments are painfully predictable, the structure mimics that of computer games, with a quest to find objects, levelling up and boss battles, and it’s lazy pandering to teenagers that Percy’s issues are actually superpowers, but the mythology stuff is pretty cool, so it is watchable.
The A-Team – WHAT DID THEY DO?
The King’s Speech – a rather staid historical drama but it’s enjoyable enough and the leads are excellent.
Toy Story 3 – WHAT DID THEY DO?
2011
Arthur Christmas – made me kind of MAD and this year’s winner of the Worst Father Award goes to…
Bridesmaids – an okay chick flick, when you ignore the ‘look women can do gross out humour too’ stuff that’s painfully spread on top.
Captain America
Harry Potter And The Deathly Hallows: Part 2 – why did Lupin and that twin have to die, I’d happily trade Ron and Hermione if those other two could survive and what was the point of Snape?
Paul – GOD AWFUL, it looked like poo from the trailer, it was worse.
Super 8 – nostalgic, funny, scary and exciting with wonderful performances by the kids and parents… but the finale doesn’t quite work, the alien is a huge misstep and someone please turn off the lens flare.
Tangled – funny but no guts.
The Muppets – I love nostalgia as much as the next maladjusted adult, but rehashing the same plot the muppets have done at least three times already is jejune (plus, stop ignoring the 90s!), and it badly needed to pick and stick to a POV – Walter or Kermit, not both.
Thor – here’s an idea, don’t kidnap your enemy’s son and pretend he’s yours, don’t raise him to despise his biological race so that when he finds out his real heritage he’ll be overwhelmed by self-loathing, don’t tell him he was born to be a king but can never be the king, don’t fall asleep in the middle of the most important conversation of his life and don’t tell him he’s a failure when he’s dangling over an abyss… (Odin wins this year’s Worst Father Award).
X-Men First Class – wake me when the X-Men get here.
2012
Avengers Assemble – dumb fun.
Brave – plotless, characterless, humourless, derivative, pointless, boring bag of lame.
Horrible Bosses – a waste of an already overused premise, with dislikeable leads.
Ice Age 4: Continental Drift – not as bad as the third film, but forgettable.
Mirror Mirror – quite funny but seriously lacks focus and depth and Snow herself is devoid of personality; still I do desperately love Nathan Lane
Skyfall – it’s ludicrously stupid, clichéd and anti-climatic as well as demeaning to women with a chillingly callous attitude towards life and utterly detestable characters (but I did like Mallory and Q).
The Dark Knight Rises – catwoman really irritated me, Bane was hilarious, I don’t understand why Lucius didn’t flood the room with the bomb since that was exactly why they built in that failsafe and it was painfully obvious who the ‘real’ bad guy was so I was baffled why Batman didn’t work it out.
The Pirates! In An Adventure With Scientists! – lovely fun, Hugh Grant is a wonderfully funny voice actor.
The Woman In Black – BOO!
2013
Iron Man Three – the structure of the plot is completely all over the place and the villains get dull, but it was so funny, so unexpectedly funny in so many places where most wouldn’t bother, that I’m willing to forgive anything.
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